This is my fourth miscarriage

I only got two estimated due dates the other two i didnt know tillit was to late last year in september of 2014 i found out i was 15 weeks pregnant.. But in october i found out i lost my daughter at 18.5 weeks.. It hurt physically and mentally... On january 15 2015 i found out i was four weeks pregnant.. I went in for my first ultrasound on feb 3 and the heart beat was 98 beats per minute.. I didnt find out there was something wrong until two weeks later when i went in for my second ultrasound on feb 17 and the wouldnt show me the screen so i asked what the heartbeat was and she said she cant tell me. I was so confused but in my head i knew exactly what was about to happen she refused to tell me what the heartbeat was then she got on the phone and said i had a fetal demise.. My mother in law said "she just said it.." I was already crying before thenurse  came back but when my mother in law said something i just broke down in tears.. The baby didnt pass through naturally so i had to take the same pill women take when they want an abortion and the pain was unbarable.. I just turned 18 on jan 22 and i have already had four miscarriages.. I blame myself for everyone.. I started talking more about the two i had estimated due dates on which was Emma Maii.. The one i lost in october and the one i recently lost.. It doesnt get easier.. But i think of it as the family members i have lost are taking good care of my babies and keeping them loved and cuddled until my boyfriend and i join them.. I find myself crying randomly then i think every breath i take i am taking a breathe for each one of my little angels.. I love my babies even if i didnt get to hold them or see them smile.. Hear them laugh or cry.. They were a part of me... Noone around me understands because i am the only one who knows how their heartbeats felt and sounded like from the inside..<3 i love you my sweet angels!!