One Day at A Time

First of all, the person I thought was the love of my life, whom I had known for eight years prior, dumped me after being with me for only a month. You know, it's funny.....in 8th grade, I was challenged to keep score on how many different guys asked me out. By the time I graduated high school in 2014, I had reached 107. I stopped counting after that but of course I've had plenty of guys ask me out since then. But the thing is, I said no. To every. Single. One. Except for one guy: Hunter. The love of my life. Or so I thought.

The night he dumped me, he told me that he was doing so because I wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet. He said he had given me several chances to change and get better and that he had tried to help me but I was refusing to change and wouldn't let him help. He said I was too much for him. 

I am a survivor of multiple rapes from ages 0 to 14. And he knew that. But I blew it. Each time I had a flash back/episode due to PTSD, each time I tried to self medicate by over dosing in ibuprofen, each time I passed out, each time I tried to harm or kill myself without even consciously knowing it in order to protect myself from being hurt more, each time I did any of these things, he said that I blew a chance. He said that in total I blew 13 chances. (Yes, he actually counted.) 

He said that i should just focus on school, and when I finish my masters five years from now, MAYBE he'll give me another chance. Really? What happened to "I'll never leave you" and "i wanna spend the rest of my life with you, have kids with you, grow old with you"?, where did al that go? 

And I wasn't a priority of his, now that I look back on everything. He only wanted me so he could have sex with me. That's the only time he seemed to pay attention to me and love me a lot. His video games were more important than me. His habit of smoking and his "alone time" and making money all were, too. 

Ok too of that, he made me get the implant. Which hurt like hell. And he couldn't find it within his work schedule to take the time off for the day I had the procedure done that HE WANTED ME TO DO even though I wanted him to be there with me and he knew about it a week in advance! 

Well, I'm through with him. I said no more than 107 times to men so saying no to him shouldn't be much harder. At first, when I told my mom about what happened (but not all the details, she just thinks I have some personal issues and that Hunter needed a break based on what I DID tell her), I said, "what if, five years from now, Hunter is with someone else?" To which she replied, "what if you are? Stop turning down every guy that looks at you funny. Live a little and don't limit yourself to just one guy (I.e. Hunter)."

This brings me to the second part.

Second of all, I have met someone else that makes me feel loved and cared for and appreciated and......totally DIFERENT from how Hunter made me feel. Honestly. And a week ago he asked me out. Now normally, I would have said no. And I  didn't used to believe in love at first sight. Hunter wasn't even love at first sight. But this guy, well.....😍😍😍 what can I say? I said "yes".

A major difference with this relationship is that I actually felt a connection for the first time. With Hunter, he just kinda grew on me. With this guy, named Matt, I instantaneously felt sparks fly. And his is NOT because I'm desperate or lonely. (Remember the 107 guys?) I know this because the first time I dated Hunter as a teenager with raging hormones, I dated him for SEVEN MONTHS before he broke it off, and after that, I didn't want ANYTHING to do with guys for FOUR YEARS! 

I have never felt anything like this before. We just seem to get each other. And he actually WANTS me to talk to him about my past and all of its issues, and is not only sympathetic but also feels sad FOR me! He kept apologizing for all the things that had happened to me and kept telling me they weren't my fault and that anyone who didn't agree didn't deserve to be aquainted with me. He asks me how I feel about the things that have happened and then genuinely listens to what I have to say. He is concerned and caring, and yet he doesn't pry in the least bit. I am sooooo grateful to have found someone like him! He is the first and only person I've ever met who actually is comfortable with and wants me to talk about my troubles, past present and future. And then he listens. And, when I ask, he gives me advice but never forces his opinions on me. He is more interested in my physical and mental well being and success in life than he is getting a chance to have have sex with me. He is a rare gem I hope I get to keep him. Sometimes he wants to talk about the future, but I put a finger to his lips and tell him "let's just take it one day at a time".