Saying Goodbye again

We lost our son, he would have been our 3rd boy, back on October 20th 2016. I was 15 weeks 3 days, he measured to the day. I had heard his heart the night before on my doppler, though it was a fair bit higher than i ever experienced.

I was induced the next day, and delivered him a few hours later. We were not allowed to hold him, or see him.

We did not have any testing done on him, only because i had a fear of receicing a bill for it all a couple months down the road, and it breaking us again. We have no idea what happened. As we think back, we see somethings that could have been warning signs for us. He never seemed to move from the one spot he was in, whenever i listened with the doppler, i never heard him kick or anything, just his heart. The only time i felt him move was the morning he passed.

I am currently expecting a rainbow. I believe he is giving us this rainbow. This baby is a girl. Obviously, i have been on edge the entire time really. When 15 weeks 3 days rolled around on Thursday, i was constantly checking baby. She kicks a lot more, and that day she gave me a few extra to remind me she was ok.

Well yesterday was the group buriel for our Angel boy, and others lost from may 2016 to May 2017 in our hospital. Hubby and i went to the service, no other family memebers did we want to come. Up until that time, i thought i was doing ok, i thought i had been dealing with his loss pretty well. I still talk to him, and thank him for his sister.

Well at the service, daddy and i broke down again. I think even worse than when we delivered him. I think it finally hit again, that we had lost this little boy. It was horrible. I told hubby we would never have to do this again. He nodded.

Of course, we are still checking on little girl, she kicks a lot more, and moves a lot, so that makes me use the doppler less, unless she hasn't moved in a few hours.

It was just so much more than i would have thought. I have had a chemical before, sad for me, but it wasn't completely crushing. But losing him, and then months later having to say goodbye to him again, that was beyond crushing.