I've been trying my best not to wake my SO at all during the night for the past month so that he can go to work everyday. He thinks I get more sleep than I do, on average I get 3-4 hrs every night and maybe 2 more during the day if I can nap. I've gotten more on very good night's or occasionally on Sunday morning if I've pumped enough for a bottle for him to help.

I'm starting to hear phantom cries in my sleep, I'll wake up to check on the baby and realize it was all in my head.

I really want to be able to do everything for her and it kills me that I'm struggling so much. I'm so tired all day and I feel guilty that I only play with her for a few hours each day. I'm also still recovering from an emergency c-section that I think is getting infected.

Last night I couldn't sleep, I was trying so hard bc I knew she'd probably be asleep for two hours. I just couldn't do it. I was having anxiety about everything from when she'd wake up next, to my incision getting infected, to wondering if I'm a good enough mom.

I feel like so many women do so much of a better job than me. They have more than one kid, they manage dinner, they go to the store with their newborns. I feel so inadequate compared to them.

I don't think he understands what I'm going through and I know he's having his own struggles but when I tried to talk to him last night he told me I was annoying and he needed space. I told him I was having postpartum insomnia and anxiety and all I needed him to do was to lie down next to me instead of on the couch and that would help me go to sleep. He told me he didn't feel like it and I should go away and go to fucking sleep because I was wasting time. I explained that I couldn't because I was having anxiety. He told me again to go lie down and go to fucking sleep, to just go close my eyes. This frustrated me because I felt like he didn't care and wasnt understanding me. We kept arguing, one thing led to another and I dumped my cold water bottle out all over him. We haven't talked since. I feel terrible because I love him so much and he really does a lot to help me normally. I was just on my last straw last night and really needed his help and things got carried away. Now I'm afraid he's going to leave me. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't really want to be with me and is only doing everything out of obligation. I want him to love me the same way I love him but I feel like I'm giving up trying to make him love me because I know that will never work.