F**k cancer

My childhood nightmare is becoming a reality. When I was young I had the same reoccurring nightmare that my mother would die while I was still young and she would never meet my children. My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 her2 positive breast cancer 4 years ago: she has had chemo twice, radiation twice and brain surgery. In just 5 months after her brain surgery 3 tumors have appeared in her brain, the neurosurgeon says its inoperable. My mother is dying and although she was there for my wedding I am scared she won't be there to watch me become a mother myself. I want a baby SO bad right now and I feel so selfish for it. My husband is in medical school so I cannot possibly afford a baby. Today I found out someone on my husbands side of the family is pregnant and instead of joy I felt jealousy. I feel so horrible for feeling this way, of course I am happy for them but I am so scared that my mom won't ever meet my own children and it's breaking my heart. My mom means everything to me. I guess I'm just scared because I know that the prognosis for recovery is less then 2%. I hate how I feel and talking about it with my family is really difficult. My husband is always there to listen but I don't think he fully understands the impact this is having on me 😞