To The Boy Who Broke Me

The day it happened was just like any other. I left for work and kissed you goodbye and told you I loved you, I only worked for 4 hours that day and had already made plans for us to eat and go out with some friends that night, which I told you about while I was away. I told my patients about you and how gentle you are and how much I adored you, and I drove happily home when I was finally off. 

You were in your car. I pulled up and thought maybe you had gone somewhere or were going out somewhere, and I curiously asked you what you were up to. You got out of the car and looked at me, and all you said was "this isn't working out." 

I didn't realize what you meant at first. I thought maybe your car was having troubles again. I didn't think you meant us. 

But you did. 

And I stood in disbelief, looking at all the things in your car that you had packed up while I was away. My face was on fire and I held onto your jacket that you were wearing, that you always let me wear, and you pulled away ripping my hand off of you. I begged you to stay, at least so I could have a better understanding of why this was happening. So I could have some sort of closure. This was 2 years of my life, I deserved to have some sort of explanation, right? I deserved at least that much. 

All you told me is that I am a toxic person, and that our relationship wasn't working out anymore. I stood in front of your car door, sobbing, begging you to talk to me. For 10 minutes, that's all I asked. You grabbed at my wrists and pulled me away from your car and then drove away. 

I gave this boy every piece of me and loved him with everything that I am. From him cheating on me, to lying to me, to eventually yelling at me whenever he was upset, I convinced myself that he was the greatest person in the entire world. I loved him, and never gave up on him. But he gave up on me. 

Toxic. That word makes my skin crawl. To leave someone with the idea that they are toxic is one of the cruelest things you could do. I am not toxic. I love with all of my heart, and I am forgiving, and I am kind.

You broke me. 

I was always strong. I didn't let people walk all over me and I demanded that I be treated with the same love and kindness that I treated others. You had a hold over me, and you knew that. I didn't value myself anymore, and you could do anything and you knew that I would stay. You made me weak.

But I don't hate you. I never could hate you. I love you, and I sincerely hope that you don't go down a path of destructiveness, because I know you and I know you are very willing to. I don't hold anger towards you, because now I know what I need to avoid when I find love again. I know how I deserve to be treated and how to hold my ground when I know I am not being treated right. 

Today, I am strong again. My heart is shattered still, I'm sure it will be for a long time. But I don't cry anymore. I don't stay up and wonder what I could do to make myself better. Make myself less toxic of a person. I am not a toxic person. I am worthy of actual love without fear.