Separation instead of divorce? 💔
My husband and I have been married for 3 years and we argue A LOT but also have a lot of good times. You will wonder what those "good times" are after reading this and I don't blame you. Our life isn't anywhere near some sort of dream or something so we've been going through a lot. To long story short it, he makes really, really bad decisions and does what I call "acts single". I don't mean he cheats but I mean he makes decisions (big and small) that seem like he's looking out for himself instead of us. He is the type of person who gets EXTREMELY defensive and tries to put the attention on someone else when confronted about what he's doing. It doesn't even matter if you say it respectfully or not, he still overreacts. Other family see that he's not making good choices either. They have tried to confront him and he will wear them down until they have to give up the attempt. He pretty much has one of the biggest guilty consciences that I've ever seen. On top of this, he's very manipulative. He's thrown that, "If you don't stop ____, I'm divorcing you." because he's used to getting what he wants (even his mom says he is spoiled). He didn't have a good childhood due to war and it's as if he never grew up. Once, he did tell me he feels that because he didn't have a childhood, now it's like he's living it out. Even though he has a brother (not a very good one, I may add!), it's like he treats me like a sister instead of his wife. It feels like he's trying to compete for something and like he picks on me to purposely annoy me. Sometimes I have to tell him over 5 times to stop doing something and sometimes he won't or he'll find something else to do on purpose.
He and I have differences and lived different lives. I've never drank, did drugs, or partied and I try to live my life so that I can live a Godly life. I'm not perfect and I'm a sinner just like him. Yet, his guilty conscience keeps accusing me of feeling better than him? I remind him every time, "I don't feel like I'm better than you or anyone. We're all sinners." and he just doesn't get it. I don't parade around advertising what I have or haven't done in my life (he likes to remind me of my past repeatedly). He makes his decisions and I have tried to talk to him, respectfully...but after 4 years of the same things happening constantly, it's harder and harder to remain calm. He then tries to twist that into, "You're not accepting me for who I am". 🙄 But I've been dealing with him not accepting me for who I am this whole time. It's like everything he accuses anyone of, he is actually the one acting that way. I don't want to be a victim of anything but it seems like he does and that causes him to take the attention off of the fact that he hasn't been being a very good husband to me. I've done a lot of big things for us so that we can be together. He says I expect too much and then when I ask him what it is I "expect" he literally says ONE thing that is actually the biggest problem in his whole life. My expectation is like 5% even with that, so how am I expecting too much? He doesn't look at me and other family as "trying to help" he sees us as the enemy trying to take his fun away. Kind of like a kid who thinks his/her teacher hates them but is actually exaggerating. I feel under appreciated, disrespected, not needed, alone and heart broken. I have noone on my side of the family in a 4.5k mile radius. I've lost friends due to his insecurity. I don't even feel alone because of those things. I feel alone because he knows he's who I have and he still acts like this. All I asked of him is to treat me right. That's not too much to ask. He makes me so frustrated from not allowing me to speak my mind and I have a break down where I cry and shake. During those times I feel depressed and hopeless.. there's a lot more to my situation but all I know is, it's gotten passed the point of not knowing what to do anymore. I told him last night I'll give him what he wants, I'll leave and that I'm done. I don't want that but he needs help as an individual (for his problems) and we need help as husband and wife. I'm trying to think of all of our options. I'm hoping to find a professional marriage psychologist. I love him so much. I don't really want to divorce him. That might have to be what happens but I don't want it. He's not talking to me right now because he's extremely mad. He's so mad that he took all my clothes and threw them in a fast moving river (Yes, I'm serious). That's how rude he's acting. BUT I'm trying to be respectful. I'm trying to look at it as "hate the sin, not the sinner". I want our marriage to succeed so I'm just trying to give him space and take time to think what my options are. I was suppose to stay here with him but in about a month and a half, legally, I have to go back to the United States. That means we'll be dealing with this apart. For now, there is time to find a psychologist here. He has said off and on that he would be willing to go to one but he's so angry that I don't know if this is one of the times he'll agree.
Either way, I'm hoping to eventually talk to him about separating instead of divorce. I know that sounds crazy and stupid (it is) but I just want us to try. But I don't know how to bring it up. I feel like he would jump to conclusion that it's about me trying to be with other people so I want to be prepared. I want to ask you all the basics "who, what, where, when, why, and sometimes how" ("a, e, I, o, u, and something y"...yeah, you get iiiit!). I'm pretty sure that he probably won't like it regardless but I'm still going to try! How do I explain it? Do people just decide together what the separation would be like? From what I've seen is that if the couple is going to therapy, they usually only talk to each other there and then don't talk much normally? What I'm thinking is, I kind of just want us to have time apart. We spend ALL the time together. I'm not exaggerating. ALLLL. the. time. Then, when I have to leave the country, he tries to find something wrong (accusations) so he can pick fights. The time difference is bad so I'll be sleeping at 3 am and he'll be calling, trying to talk about something ridiculous. It stress me out. So even when we're not in the same place, we're in the same place. 😐 I've been trying to give us space by being in a different room. It's helped me a lot but sometimes he'll come in here and cause more problems even if it's been quiet for 8 hours of no communication but sometimes he'll miss me a little bit or something and to come to come back to our room. He's unstable and I think he might have a mental disorder (his past life style isn't helping either) and I'm not just saying that. Unfortunatey, this country isn't very open about that stuff so it's hard to convince anyone to get help. Maybe if I do have to leave, we reduce communication but not completely stop talking. It's not a Ross and Rachel thing either ("WE WERE ON A BREAK!!"). I don't want us to "see other people" or something. I just think we need a lot of space. It's hard to trust him by himself but I'm trying to set that aside. It's to that point were you have to just let that person find something out on their own. I can't allow myself to obsess. I can only control myself.. I'm hoping someday we can get help in the US. He was not this bad when we were there. This country we're in is not good for anytone. This is how a lot of the cities are: 2 churches ⛪️, 4+ masjids 🕌, 15 cafes, and 20 gambling spots. They take out a shopping store and add in a gambling place. You can walk out of your house, turn a corner, and walk into 4 gambling buildings. The call to prayer comes on and no one moves from their coffee or betting. The suicide rate here is high and just a few weeks ago, 2 people committed suicide in one week in this city. The unemployment rate, pay and favoritism is really bad too.
All I know is, I want him to leave this country and have a better life even if it's without me. That's one of the biggest reasons why this hurts because I've been putting in a lot of effort to make that happen for us. I know what I wish would happen but I'm trying to be strong and realistic. I want him to see I'm serious. It's difficult because I sooooo badly wish I could hug him even though he's so rude. 🙃 It's a messed up situation.. I know I could be mad at him but I actually feel bad for him. I know he knows how he's acting is wrong. It's unfortunate that he doesn't know how to use self-control properly. I know something is going on in his head. He's not happy with how life has turned out for him even though he knows he made the wrong decisions choices. His mom even tells me when they talk he tells her he loves me. I really think he has a disorder and the choices he's made intensifies it. He has really bad mood swings and when he gets mad it's like he doesn't know how to stop. That doesn't excuse his behavior, especially since he isn't choosing to get help. I just hope and pray he can get better physically and mentally. ❤️
I know a lot of people will have some stern advice for me but as you can see, I'm trying something out. I make weird decisions sometimes but I'm not completely crazy. I get this is an abusive relationship. I've seen the topics on the app. I get it. I promise. I'm hoping people who have had a separation can give me their experience. I know some couples don't make it but I know some do. Maybe I can study everyone else's experiences and come up with something that could work for my situation. Even if you haven't had a separation/break from someone (maybe you call it something else), do you have any suggestions on this type of thing?
- If you're wondering why we don't just get up and go to the United States, it's a very long story. And don't worry, it has nothing to do with Donald Trump (If I had $1 for every time I've been asked that..)! 🙂
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