When we first got married, I was a naive newlywed who enjoyed getting asked the same old question. "When are you going to have kids?" Hearing that always made me flutter. Once I had a ring on my finger, the act of sex wasn't frowned upon, but encouraged. That was a nice change to get used to.

But now, 4 years and countless lonely red lines later, I cringe at the thought of being around family members. I avoid social situations where questions might arise. I pretend like it doesn't bother me. I pretend like it isn't constantly on my mind. The constant reminder every time I turn on the tv and see a pampers commercial. Another Facebook announcement, another friend who has the glow.

Then I feel guilty - only been serious baby making off and on for 6 months. Why should I feel this way? Why is it a big deal when other women have been trying for years? Do I even have the right to?

Last month I thought it was for real. Symptoms were happening, smells were stronger, hunger was greater. Even strained my eye sight staring at the invisible double line. But then it came like it always does and I cried for days.

I do have the right. As all women do. Trying to create life isn't all what you think it is. It's hard, it's mentally exhausting. And keeping all of these thoughts to yourself is even more draining.

And then it hit me.

I can't make life - it's a gift. A gift from God. All this time I've tried to take control of something that isn't in my control at all.

God has a plan for me, my husband, our baby (ies). And if that plan is to hear that looming question from a loved one, or to see all of my friends bring life into to world, or to keep buying more First Response, then I'm okay with that.

Sometimes its hard to see the rainbow when theres been endless days if rain. But my trust is in you lord. And when the time is right, I know that you will make it happen. ❤❤