3 weeks later:

It's been a long battle that started even before I got pregnant. I was about 186 lbs before getting pregnant. I wasn't okay with how heavy I was. I gained 50 pounds during the pregnancy, against my midwife's wishes. I weighed 236 lbs at the very end. Sitting at home with my baby and my toddler, feeling unattractive and disgusting. Loathing myself for not even appreciating what I was back then before I even gained all this weight. I decided to try to do something. What's there to lose, right? (Hopefully some weight. Lol.) My mom told me to try the 30 day shred. It's only 20 minutes which is great when you don't have a lot a time, like me. So I decided to try it on March 23rd. At first I did it every day. Then I missed a day. Got back on track. Missed another day, and that turned into missing two days. I was mad at myself for not staying disciplined. But I tried to remind myself that I'm doing the best I can and I should be patient. It was difficult to go from not working out at all, to working out every day. But here we are. I'm glad I took some pictures to help keep me motivated. My body dismorphia is telling me that I haven't lost any weight or any inches off of anything. But I keep looking at the pictures and trying to tell myself that even if it's a slight difference, improvement is improvement.

I actually haven't lost any pounds, it's extremely depressing. I just want to get out of the 200's. But hell, even if I don't lose pounds and end up totally toned, I think I'll be okay with that.

My weight is my enemy. And up until now, I haven't done much to change that. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm bored. I enjoy food. I'm an emotional eater.

I've been doing this shred and trying** to drink lots of water. And I've been doing the Apple cider vinegar thing before bed, not sure how much that's helping. I started cooking more, rather than heat up processed foods. I've been trying not to emotionally eat. It's hard. I've been battling severe postpartum depression and I just want to indulge in food to feel good.

I'm trying! It's not easy but I hope I'm doing the right thing. 😌