Really feeling like a failure. Everyone else seems to have it all together and I still feel like I'm juggling a newborn. My daughter is great but how can I still be adjusting after 11.5 months?! My husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer 6weeks after baby was born and I feel like we never got a chance to catch back up. I feel like I never got a chance to heal spiritually and emotionally from birth. I didn't even get a chance to heal physically before my husband's emergency surgery. I was taking care of a newborn and my husband right after birth. He was so out of it on painkillers and healing from surgery that I literally did everything for both of them for two weeks before he could function semi normally again. It took my stitches longer to heal and my milk dried up. We are both self employed and while my business is doing the best it's ever been, I'm still so far behind from last year that I'm already struggling again and it's only the beginning of my busy season. I had a second job that provided amazing health insurance but I got laid off due to budget cuts a few months ago. We all just got on Medicaid since my work insurance is about to expire. I'm lucky I have family here to watch my baby so I can try to get some work done but it's impossible to squeeze a 40 hour work week into 16-24 hours. I tried reaching out to some other mothers and they just scoffed saying "oh well, you only have ONE kid". My husband wants to keep his cancer journey private so only close family truly knows the burdens we have experienced lately. I feel so lost and alone sometimes. Constantly working but still behind. The fear of the unknown - 4 more years until my love can be declared cancer free. I always wanted to have two kids but after everything that happened right after my daughters birth (did I mention she never slept?!?) I feel so panic-y just considering a second child. I'm 33.5 tho and don't want to have another kid after 35. And now that I'm on Medicaid I don't feel it's responsible to even consider it. Also Medicaid makes me feel like an absolute failure. And after years with amazing insurance and doctors I now have to downgrade and find new government-approved doctors which gives me great anxiety because I've had such bad experiences with doctors and finally found some amazing ones. Not to mention my husband will have to find new docs too which stresses him out because cancer is so scary and personal. Gah. Everyone else seems so put together.