Hi, everyone. I don't use this app often, just to keep track of my period and such but I've recently been going through something and my therapist suggested that it could be therapeutic for me to share my experience in some anonymous way with family or perhaps in a journal. And while I've done that, I also remembered that this app comes with a community of girls and women of many ages and I thought that maybe I could reach someone with what I've been going through, especially but not limited to the young teens and adults out there. 

So, I was dating this guy for about 8 months, but we've been together a bit longer than that. I'm 20 and have only ever had one other relationship when I was in high school which was short and experimental. I've gone on a few little dates since then but never a relationship. I classify myself as an introvert. While I am a college student, I'm not the party type, and I have a very small number of close friends. I enjoy school and pursuing my future. I have struggled with anxiety and panic attacks since my youth, and maybe that's why I prefer my introvert lifestyle but I have learned to love myself no matter what, and I have surpassed my anxiety in many ways, overcoming fears in college and you wouldn't know I struggled with anxiety if you talked to me on campus. I love people and interacting so much. But, anxiety is a little monster that's with me each day, I've just learned to cope. 

Anyways, this guy was one I'm sure a lot of young women would fall for: a very nice car which he pays for, pays for his own phone, attends school for public justice, works, is into fitness with a very lean and muscular physique, tall, handsome, and very sweet. We met and didn't really talk at all until a year later when our paths crossed again. I'm quite insecure and wouldn't even consider that he was interested, but apparently he was since the first time he saw me and saw that I was different from other college girls in the way I spoke, acted, dressed. I've been called an old soul a lot. We talked, went on some dates, and finally decided to become a couple in October of last year. I thought he was amazing. He didn't party either, or drink or smoke, he was a bit introverted as well, very affectionate, cute and goofy, attractive, and our personalities seemed to fit together well. He never seemed pressuring as far as sex and he was always so caring, making sure I was alright through texts, that sort of thing. I felt like I found someone truly special who I would be with for awhile. I felt so happy. 

It wasn't until we were together for 4 or 5 months that things started to feel off for me. He was being manipulative in ways that to me at the time seemed small and insignificant. I didn't think I was being manipulated. I thought I was in love. I thought that I was happy. And so each time a little instance would occur, I would tell myself to be positive and forget about it. He loves me and these little issues happen in relationships. It will get better in time, and in the grand scale of it all, we have wonderful times together and love each other so much so who cares about those little things? Time and time again, I did this. Now let me tell you what was really happening. 

He was insecure and had trust issues from previous relationships. I was always sympathetic for him about this fact, assuring him I wasn't that kind of girl, that I loved him and that he didn't have to worry with me. He knew the only places I spent time were my room, the library, class or the dining hall. Literally, that's my life. Or at least, maybe I would have expanded out of my shell a bit more, joined more clubs, got more involved if it hadn't been for this relationship. 

▪️Day after day, every single day, I had to reassure him of my whereabouts with texts and Snapchat pictures of where I was, who was with me. Keep in mind, he may not have outwardly asked for these things, but his attitude towards me when I had to go do laundry or schoolwork made me feel the need to validate my whereabouts to him to soothe him. 

▪️He made me feel bad about going places instead of staying and talking to him on the phone, even if I needed to go to school work or if it was just to grab some food with a friend. He did this by changing the tone of his texts or even his voice on the phone, feeling sad or depressed that I was going somewhere even for just half an hour, saying things that suggested I must not care about him if I'm going elsewhere instead of talking to him on the phone. 

▪️If he didn't like my idea of going out for lunch with some friends or my choice of movie, he would manipulate me into doing what he wanted and so many times I cancelled plans with those I care about because he wanted it to be just him and I. So many times I found myself saying, "You're right honey, lets just do something you and I instead," just to avoid his attitude and unhappiness in doing something that felt important to me. This was even with family events. 

▪️At a couple events for my best friends from high school where he couldn't attend, he texted me nonstop and I couldn't be present in support of my best friends graduating college because I was too busy keeping tabs with him. Also, his texts during these times were never positive, they were always texts to make me feel bad that I wasn't with him instead of him wishing me a nice time and allowing me to be present with those I love. 

▪️He wanted to spend the night at my house with me, but my parents are not comfortable with that. Instead of being respectful of my parents and enjoying full days with me where he could just go home at the end of the day, he argued that my parents should allow him to sleep over and he didn't understand why they wouldn't. This is very disrespectful to my parents, and he even urged me to argue with them about it, which I didn't want to do. I wanted to be okay with not sleeping together at my parents house and instead just enjoy the time we can during the day. He said that if I loved him, I would fight for what I want to be happy with him. He even spoke ill of my parents, which hurt me very much as my family is so important to me and wonderful to everyone they meet. 

▪️If I wasn't in the mood for anything sexual, he wouldn't touch me and turn away from me without talking to me. Then, when I gave him what he wanted, he would become happy and he would give me affection again. 

▪️He criticized those close to me for reasons that shouldn't matter at all. He criticized and judged even strangers very often which goes against my accepting and loving nature. It seemed that he cared about me, however, he didn't care about what I cared about. Most conversations consisted of the reasons he hated his coworkers that particular day. He liked to list off what made his life terrible. But I was his light. And that put a lot of pressure on me because it seemed that even I couldn't make him happy a lot of the time, and so I often was brought down just from being around his negative behavior and outlook, even when I tried to help him be positive. He sometimes criticized my own interests and what I wanted to do. (Note: The one you love should always love you for all you are and support your interests and what you care about, not criticize them and try to pull you away from what you care about or believe. It's okay to have separate opinions, but never hurt your partner by criticizing their interests or those they love.)

▪️He liked to make jokes whenever I went to do some work with a classmate for a class project or whenever I went to lunch with my roommate. Texts and words over the phone like, "Sure you are," "you're probably with some guy," "sure." I would become upset with him for this, it messed with my head and I always felt like was doing something wrong, even when I wasn't. He claimed that he was just joking, but from his tone and attitude, it never seemed like a joke to me. 

▪️When I couldn't respond to a text right away, I would find a slew of texts on my phone making me feel bad for not doing so. "Oh okay," "whatever," "or not," "alright, just text when you want I guess." I would explain why I couldn't respond right away and he would joke once again that I was probably up to something with some guy. Absolutely ridiculous. He would be in a bad mood after that. I became so attached to my phone for this reason during our relationship, so fearful of upsetting him for simply not texting him back in 5 minutes.