Rant.

I wish i could be be all up in the "body positive vibes like alot of you guys can..

And i truely do try.

But honestly.. When i see all these posts like

"Im proud of my stretch marks."

"My stretch marks are a reminder that i created life."

"I love my body" blah blah.

I can't help but feel so envious.

I know that sounds so vain and shallow.. but here i am.. 36 weeks pregnant recently having noticed the start of my first stretch marks and i simply cannot help but feel so sad.

I started my pregnancy at 53kgs which is equivalent to 116 pounds.

And i have gained 18kgs. Which is equivalent to 39 pounds.

So im up around the 70kg mark.

... 154 pounds.

My butt is bigger, My boobs are bigger, My thighs are bigger.. My belly feels huuge.

I have always been self concious of my weight and even though i have never been overweight.. i always found something i didn't like about myself, So when i fell pregnant i was happy because i felt like i no longer needed to worry.

I felt like noone could look at me and see the fatty that i saw in the mirror every day because i was/am carrying a baby and by 30/30+ weeks ..when i was still seeing no sign of stretch marks.. as you might have already guessed i was so so so happy and just assumed that if i hadn't got them at that point then i wouldn't get them at all.

I was wrong.

And now im obsessively checking them every time i use the bathroom to make sure they haven't gotten any worse.,

I see all these beautiful women showing there bellys having gained around the same amount of weight as me., baring all there stretch marks proud as ever.

And i just WISH i could be that positive.

I WISH i didnt feel ashamed standing naked in front of my husband.

I WISH i could love my new stretchy body knowing that its the way it is because im growing a precious baby boy.

But i can't. 😔

I feel terrible.. and ofcourse the end goal is a healthy baby and to deliver at term but sometimes i find myself hoping that i go a bit early .. 37/38 weeks because the less time hes in there.. the less damage the stretching will do to my body.