Last summer I was with this guy who had been sexually abused when he was little he apparently but he got over it but always wanted once he got older his parents knew he had a problem with it and when I came along I was his first serious girlfriend the first time I went to his house his mom told us we weren't allowed in his room I didn't mind cause i had made the promise to wait and he knew. I went over every Monday and Wednesday to hang out ussually we would play video games or something but then one day he told me we were going down to the creek by his house I was really excited because he lived on about 3 acres. We hadn't kissed or anything yet and on our way down to the creek he stopped me in the middle of the wheat feild and kissed me this was my first kiss so I was supper scared and nervous and when he tried to make it more than a little peck I let him cause i didn't know what else to do after he finished kissing me he have me a hug and told me thank you cause he'd been wanting to do that which made me happy we finished our walk to the creek and found a big clearing where we sat and listened to the sounds and suddenly he grabbed me and kissed me as he was he pushed me down and grabbed my books I pulled away and said stop when he started kissing my neck I then told him to get off and he kept going and unzipped his pants and pulled them off then doing the same for me while I strugled to get out from under him he then proceeded to rape me when he was about to come he pulled out and came on me. He then threw his shirt at me and told me to clean myself up as he went and got dressed all I could do is sit there for a few minutes cry until he had looked and saw me and something clicked as another tear fell and hit the ground he walked over and tried to help me up but when I flinched and moved away he got mad and came after me and picked me up and told me that if I ever said anything he would kill me. I finished getting dressed and we walked back in silence and before we hit the path to his back door he stopped me and hugged me and said he was sorry about him getting mad that he just didn't like how I was scared of him i went all scholm year with seeing him everysingke day and everytime i do i feel sick and half the time end up throwing up after class. I've never told anybody not even my boyfriend now which kills me because there's times we will get in a really heated make out session and we will go to get on top and I will freak out and start crying cause of the memories of what happened to me. Idk what to do because i thought I loved him he told me he loved me and that we had something special I haven't told my boyfriend I love him yet because i get scared and don't know what love is really anymore.