Backstory, I'm 18 and he's my first love. 3 months into first semester of college we met on tinder, turned serious, we had a long distance relationship for 6 months and it was the happiest I've ever been. I have an IUD, so pregnancy shouldn't have ever happened in the first place. 

So anyway, on the morning of May 5th I took a pregnancy test because I was scared and had a feeling. It was positive and I was terrified. This was the week before finals, and I was 18, single, rediculously financially dependent on my parents, and my heart was just shattered by someone I trusted more than I probably should've. I didn't tell anyone, because I had promised him that if I ever found out I was pregnant he'd be the first to know. (Only a month prior we had been seriously talking about marriage and kids and a real future-I believed him, and I still think that could be a possibility, but I'm not holding my breath)

About 19 hours after I found out, I woke up to the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. There was blood everywhere and I was devastated. I had a miscarriage. I was about 6 or 7 weeks, and I didn't even hear the heartbeat. I didn't tell anyone until 2 weeks later. I told him first, just like I promised. He was mad at me. The first thing he said to me was "why didn't you tell me sooner?" How could I tell him? How was I supposed to do that? I didn't know how. 

It's been almost 2 months now, and I think about how I should be 4 months pregnant right now. How I should be with him, even though he was kind of as ass about everything. I still want the future we had talked about and I still want him. I shouldn't, but I still love him. And I think I always will. 

The only thing I've ever wanted to be is to be a good wife and mom. Any career is second to that, so losing him and a baby in such a short amount of time brought my worst fears to life, not being those things or having them taken away from me. I've also been so uncomfortable in my own body since everything happened. I don't know who I am anymore and that's possibly the worst of it all. I'm so lost, and all I want is to fast forward in life past all of this.