I've learned how to forgive others, but I can not learn to forgive myself. I don't forgive myself for anything, I still think back to things I said to people in middle school and feel like shit over it. What's weighing me down the most is things that happened between my boyfriend and I a year ago.

I was in a dark place, I was in the darkest place I had been in years. I felt so down and I felt trapped. I was 21 and living at my parents house, I was in a relationship I had been in since I was 15, I had no car. Then I finally got a car and I still didn't want to leave my bed. My only friend was my boyfriend and even though I loved him I just felt like I was being suffocated by him and by my family. I realize now that they were just trying to love me, but my anxiety and depression wouldn't let me accept that. I felt like I was in a box with one hole for oxygen to come through and that they were all pushing on that box suffocating me and trapping me. I hate myself for feeling that way now. I let myself feel so low and so trapped that I had actually started (shamefully) drinking and doing pills. I was doing xanxes and opanas. I hate admitting that, but this is the first time I've ever admitted it to anyone other than my boyfriend. I always swore I would never do pills as I had seen the lives of some of my relatives go to shit over them. It wasn't until I stopped doing the pills that I realized just how much control my darkness had over me. I let it convince me that something I absolutely hate was the way to help me see the light. I had an opportunity to move out of my parents house, and into the house of the girl who made the pills and drinks easily accessible. We were best friends years ago but fell off due to her wanting to party all the time and me, at the time, wanting to settle down with the man I love. When he realized what I was doing, it made me feel like he stopped pushing on that box I was in and he a as instead standing on it, stomping. Again, he was only trying to help but me being the weak fool that I am saw it as he wanted to control me. I said I needed some space but he was afraid that giving me space while I was at my lowest of lows would end in him getting a phone call I had ODed or killed myself, so he wouldn't go away. So I was mean to him. He had plans to propose and move me out of her house, somewhere I would feel safe and we would be together without her and all of her scary friends running around. But I didn't see it that way. He would come over and I would ignore him, or I would tell him to leave. I would tell him I didn't care about him. I made the man who loved me cry and feel like shit about himself. Eventually I got tired of having to sneak around him to do my pills and get drunk so I broke up with him. It only lasted a few days, because in those few days I did my pills and got drunk and needed him. I realized that when he was gone, no one cared. No one asked if I was okay, no one helped me to the bed. He came back and I told him my discovery, but what I didn't tell him is how it made me go lower, darker. Why would I tell him? I hurt him enough, why would I use what I DID to hurt him and turn it into something that hurts me? I luckily hadn't formed a real addiction to the pills yet, as I had never done them before so i wasn't doing heavy doses. I was able to quit, and we were able to work on our relationship. It took him time to open back up, as I expected, and he still hasn't proposed- which if he never does, I don't blame him. He still has his days where it hurts him, which I understand because I still have days where I hurt over what he has done to me years ago (in high school). But I can't stop hurting. He sleeps beside me at night, and I look at him, and I just cry and hurt. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve to have such a beautiful soul loving me after the damage I did to it. I don't know how to forgive myself and how to allow myself to move on from what I did. I've talked to him since then, and he held me and told me it's okay to forgive myself and that I need to. I cant. I don't know how... it's like the better he treats me the worse I feel for what I've done to him.