My father figure died...

My best friends father passed away July 8, and it was very unexpected. He had a massive heart attack and died. And it hurt everyone who knew him. But I have basically been living with her and her family for over a year now and I've grown up with him in my life (through our church).

Today was the funeral. And I know it's nothing anyone could control but I didn't get to say goodbye. I asked my best friend to when they got to see him. But I never got that last moment alone with him. And tonight, as everything starts settling from this hectic week, my heart is so broken. But the one thing I can't stop shaking is that I never got to say goodbye.

My parents have never been healthy. And my own dad has been in and out of the hospital several times in the past year. I know he is probably going to die soon. I have prepared myself for that. And I had come to terms with the fact that he would never see me walk down the isle or know if I have any children.

But my best friends dad has been more of a father to me than my own. And I was going to ask him, to walk me down the isle. And now he'll never know.

His passing has been very hard on me. But I feel bad being so hung up on that when his actual family is also going through it. And I feel bad sharing with them what I'm thinking because in my opinion my little aches are nothing compared to what they're going through.

I don't know why I'm sharing this. I guess I just needed to write it out so it's not just swirling inside of me.