As if trying to conceive and not getting a BFP for a while wasn't enough I suffered my first miscarriage last week after finding out I was pregnant a week prior. It's true when they say nothing can prepare you for the anger, jealousy, and sadness you feel when you suffer a miscarriage. These past 5 days have been a constant battle of keeping myself busy just to get through the day without crying. My sweet husband has been nothing but supportive but it's so hard for him to understand the grief I feel every time I go to the bathroom and I'm still bleeding. While this has been the most difficult time I have had in a long time it just put the cherry right on top when the day I suffered my miscarriage my best friend who happens to be my cousin texts to ask if I can look and see if we had talked about when her last period had started, I told her I was dealing with something and if she needed to know right away- she then went on to say that she's pretty sure her period is late but wanted to check to see if we had talked about it.

Before we get to far into this rant let me give you a little background info on my cousin. She is a year older than me (26), only ever been in 1 serious relationship ever, graduated with a bullshit degree that she can't even use tried to go back to school and dropped out so she could work a full time daycare job. On top of that she has been seeing a guy WHO IS MARRIED, and already has 2 kids with but that hasn't stopped her from seeing him for 2+ years now (he wasn't married when they first started seeing each other, she has stayed with him through him marrying the mother of his kids) 😡😡😡 Our family all thinks she is just this perfect little angel but no one knows just how insane she really is....

After letting her know I had just suffered a miscarriage she tried to be supportive and offer some inspirational quotes and bible verses, as well and the usual "it just wasn't your time, everything happen for a reason" "it will happen for you when it's time" shit that does nothing but piss me off. But she tried....

So she had sent me some funny memes yesterday and as a nice friend I asked politely how she was doing. She then proceeded to tell me she was pregnant and had been to the doctors to confirm and above all else that it's her married bfs!

As a woman who has now been happily married for a year TTC for almost 5 months ITS JUST NOT FAIR. I'm angry, angry at her for thinking it's okay to see a married guy. I'm jealous, jealous of the fact that despite her current situation she is the one who gets to experience pregnancy. I feel sadness thinking that it should be me, I'm the one who did it all right and yet I'm still falling short here. I just want to scream ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!