Still hung up over no real proposal

Soo...I'm going to try to keep this brief. My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married 4. I waited 10 years for a proposal. He always told me from the first year we started dating that he didn't want to talk about proposals bc it was more romantic for it to be a total surprise. . I drove myself insane wondering why he wouldn't ask me. I asked him, 3 times. I worked out like crazy trying to see if that attracted him more( I know that is crazy low), I tried treating him more like a man, I tried talking to him. I cried. ALOT. I questioned everything. I almost left. It mattered to me. ALOT. So 5 years ago after dating 9 years, we were on vacation by the beach as we did every year and every year I anticipated and left crying and disappointed. That year we went to this one beautiful spot and I just was bursting to have it happen. He was saying something like "I love you" to me and I literally motioned him to get on his knee and somehow he did and asked and it felt so like I forced it. I was happy for that moment but then cried for 6 hours strait and drank half a bottle of vodka. I told him I knew he hadn't planned to do it. I forced it. He kept saying sorry and we kinda fell asleep, flew home the next day and ignored it for a little. It hurt. I tried to bring it up often but he just said sorry and wanted to still get married. We said we would on our vacation the next year. He would get a ring and do it right before then. It will bra surprise. 😑. I got him a ring. Engraved. I had one I loved picked out online..I saw it sell out and prayed he had gotten it. The day before our vacation I just couldn't wait..no proposal had happened and no plans for wedding. Did he forget? I confronted him and he said "I never got a ring" again...6 hours of crying. He went out that day with me and got a rushed ring. It didn't fit but he promised we would resize it. We eloped the next day. Even with me confessing I was still broken hearted I never got the proposal and pouring out of his heart I NEEDED. He hinted that the ring would be resized and regiven. That was 4 years ago. The ring doesbt for and I haven't worn it for 2 years. I still cry about it 2-5 times a week. I cannot let it go. I wonder if I forced him.does he even want me. I make it a joke and say "you *could* resize this and surprise me!" I've strait up told him in tears what I feel and need. He apologizes and never does anything. It physically hurts my hear most days. It feels like a huge open wound. I couldn't forget it during my last birth and it emotionally blocked me and stalled my labor. I can't relate to him. I feel alone. I tell him, he see me cry. I don't know why I want it so bad but I do. Today was our 4 year anniversary and I can't even utter the words "happy anniversary". My ring sits unworn. Please tell me if I'm totally insane. I can't shake this