Hi, um...I'm 19 and live with my boyfriend of almost 4 years...he is my first non abusive relationship (physical, verbal, mental) but I'm still scarred from my past of everything that has happened...and I think my anxiety and depression would drive him away

I was raped at 12 by a family member and then almost raped again by the person I went to for comfort from that experience...I have scars and burns from an abusive ex...he once put a cigarette out on my arm because I was talking too much.....I have constant nightmares and wake up crying many times...my panic attacks get incredibly scary...I feel so cold, almost frozen...shaking violently and gasping for air...I've never truly felt happy...just learned how to fake it after a while...I was always bullied...always used by others...including my family...calling me names and telling me how worthless I was.../.\ sorry..I'm babbling...my main point being I'm really not okay...but...

I have to constantly ask my boyfriend if we are okay...if he hates me...and if he really wants to leave me.../.\ I know it's stupid and difficult to deal with but he deals with it amazingly...he never gets upset with me...and the answers are always the same...he says we are more than okay...he could never hate me...and wouldn't dream of ever leaving me...

I sometimes feel that he is too good for me...too good to me...it sucks but I feel like I deserve the horrible treatment I've always had...and...Idk why but I feel like he is constantly going to leave...find someone new, better than me.../.\...why do I deserve him...?

Edit: I have tried years of both medication as well as therapy and neither worked, so I quit both...