abusive relationship

I have been in an abusive toxic relationship for 4.5 years .. I know I haven't been inlove with my partner for some time now.. I have tried to leave multiple times.. but she doesn't make it easy.

I feel so scared to leave :(

I was with guys my whole life and then I went through a phase .. when me and my ex boyfriend broke up.. I got a new job and there was this lesbian there who used me as a trophy to her friends.. me being 19 and stupid .. trusted her. She was 11 years older then me. She broke my heart.. we lasted 10 months.

Then I met my now girlfriend. I am now 25 years old and she is 22 years old. This relationship started in chaos .. and I know it's going to end in chaos.

I have recently met someone.. and I do have feelings for him.. I know I feel really horrible but I can't help it .. I have told my gf if we ever broke up I wouldn't be with girls again... And she knows this .. I know I need to make the break.. I feel like I'm stuck and she always tells me how I would never break up with her.. and that she is never leaving my house.. ( it's my house I own it ) I feel so depressed I'm so unhappy.. she has hurt me a lot .. I think that's also why I despise her.. I'm so scared :( I hate sleeping with her, I hate her touching me.. I hate her kissing me .. shes not a bad person.. I just feel like I have grown up and we are going in different directions in life ..

Anyone else has this experience?