Dear Will

It's taken me a long time, but I forgive you. I forgive you because I don't want to live the rest of my life remembering what you did to me. I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling dirty, used, betrayed, vulnerable.

I get that you came from a different background than me. I get that your life was hard. I get that you thought you could treat any woman the same way you treated your mom and she would keep on loving you. What I don't get is why you thought you could just ignore me when I said no and ignore me when I tried to fight and ignore me when I started to cry. What I don't get is why you thought you had to use me like you did. I get you wanted Sam back because she actually slept with you and wanted it, but did that mean you had to pretend to love me and let me trust you until you could push your way inside of me? Did that mean you could break me apart and not even realize what was happening? Couldn't you see that I was hurting? I told you, didn't you listen?

I was 13 when you took my innocence away from me, 13 when I became afraid of words like rape and consent and PTSD but especially your name, a word that I can't escape, a word used in everyday conversation. I was 13, and you broke me.

But now I am 20 and I have forgiven myself and forgiven you. You thought you won, but you didn't.