I can't make my mind up!!

So I am faced with the dreaded decision to abort. A little background (which I feel is different from a lot of other posts Ive been reading.) I have two children already, one just a year old. The dad definitely does not want another baby because of his situation and mine. I am looking to start my nursing career (I already have a part time but I want a full time) and haven't had any luck so far but I'm hopeful I'll get a job soon. I have a hard time stomaching me sitting on that table legs spread open and hearing the doctor suck my baby away. Literally that's what I think every time. I feel like I'll be a total mess after and I have two children to care of after (if I go through with it) I cry every time me and the dad talk about it. I feel like he rather me be a totally emotional nut case then have another baby. Like it's worth it for him. But he will never understand the trauma even if he is there. I'll physically feel the pain and emotionally go through it. He will resent me and that will be tough for a little since we have a child together already if I decide to keep. I feel he needs to man up and work extra hard. I mean I've done it. I went to school pregnant from the moment I found out to a month before I gave birth. Night/day shift also working at my part time jobs at the time. He put me through hell as well i hated myself so bad even after I gave birth I didn't want to leave my house only for appointments and groceries. After a little he turned around and things started looking up. And even though I'm not where I want to be my kids are fed and clothed and happy. And I feel with a third it'll be super difficult especially with all my family talking but it's worth it to me those little eyes ten toes and fingers it doesn't matter what people say. But am I being selfish and unfair to my kids. I'm conflicted and broken-hearted. I don't know what to do!! And I feel disgusting going to the dr to admit my pregnancy. I just have so much going through my mind. Even where people can't have babies maybe I'd be willing to give totem a little heartbeat to love and provide a better off life from the start.