Feeling so alone

My husband and I got married in June and conceived just two weeks later. When I found out I was pregnant I was so happy but yet so terrified! My husband and I wanted a baby and wanted to start a family so bad, but honestly I wasn't expecting it to be so soon, and now I just feel so guilty having those thoughts.

We went in for our first doctor appointment two weeks ago. I was 9 weeks and 1 day. We were so excited to see our sweet baby, we knew it would look somewhat like a blob but just to see our baby was going to be amazing, and a relief to know everything was okay, it was amazing as tears of joy ran down my face. All my crazy thoughts and me being terrified disappeared, but unfortunately that only lasted for a few minutes as our doctor told us our scan was only about 8 weeks and he couldn't find the heartbeat. My tears of joy went from tears of sadness and fear as I looked at my husband with tears running down his face. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I thought to myself "why us?! Why me!?" "This can't be happening! We would have been great parents! This just isn't fair. What did I do wrong?" I had absolutely no symptoms of a miscarriage.

I went in two days later to have a D&C; I was so terrified. Thankfully my husband has been my rock through all of this. He has been so strong and has held me and comforted me at wee hours of the night because I just break down and start crying hysterically, but he has stayed so strong because I know that he is breaking on the inside too.

I know miscarriages happen to 1 in 5 women, but I just feel so alone. I find myself thinking about it all the time. And I think how stupid I was for being so scared to be having a baby because I would do anything to just be pregnant again. I can hardly get on Facebook because everyone around me is pregnant. I have friends and lots of family expecting and it's so hard to keep a "happy" face when I envy them all. I know this pain will never go away, but it will get easier to deal with, but it has been a very hard couple of weeks.

Fortunately, at my checkup last week they ran tests and found nothing wrong with our baby and my placenta was just fine it was just purely bad luck. We do plan on trying again soon but the thought of going through this pain again is agonizing.

Thanks for reading 💕