It was a Saturday and we were planning to go baby shopping for the first time. I was anywhere from 8 to 12 weeks along. I had strange bleeding the month before that I took as my period even though it was almost three weeks late. I have struggled with hormone and autoimmune diseases as well as noninvasive MTHFR since I was 10. I wasn't diagnosed or treated for MTHFR until this year briefly before falling pregnant. My doctor told me at 18 that my chances of getting pregnant were slim to none. I cried happy tears almost every day after I got my BFP and my SO was right there with me. I thought that maybe, just maybe this blessed pregnancy would be the one thing that would come somewhat easily. I thought that since I had such a terrible childhood full of abuse and neglect followed by diagnoses of diseases and pills every day since, that this would be my gift, my payback for all of the terrible years. I thought stupidly that life was fair. I sat in the e.r. gushing blood, bleeding through my pad and my pants in the waiting room. In so much pain emotionally and physically that I couldn't stop crying. It took them an hour and a half to get us in a room where they left us for four hours, every once in a while they would check on us and tell us it would only be another minute. My SO was my rock and my stability. He helped me get undressed for the examination which made me cry more because I didn't want him to see me like that. Pitiful, blood running down my legs, dripping all over the floor...I had never seen so much blood...and no one would help us. After almost 10 hours in the e.r. I was diagnosed with a full miscarriage. They offered pain medication but I refused. I punished myself...my body for not working right again, for letting me down again after promising me a miracle. Only my parents and my SO's parents know what happened. Everyone else is blissfully unaware and completely insensitive. A friend of ours got pregnant at the same time but announced it right away at 6 weeks. She has been smoking weed her entire pregnancy and is in general a terrible person. I ended up telling her what happened because she kept invading our privacy by constantly questioning us about the "big changes" that my boyfriend mentioned in a Facebook post before the MC. She has continued to be insensitive by flaunting her pregnancy around me while smoking like a fireplace. I want to slap her and tell her to stop hurting her blessing. To not even allow the chance to let her baby get hurt. But she continues...and she will deliver and be a terrible selfish mother who only thinks about herself. I hope I'm wrong... this all just hurts so much. I feel like God gave me a lesson I didn't need. I have always said that things happen for a reason...but why this? Why would God give me hope and then crush it so violently. It doesn't matter I guess... I'm going to keep trying. I wish that I could end miscarriage for everyone. It is too cruel to be real. Especially for those of us who want to be parents more than anything...