I haven't spent quality time with my mother in months. So, today when I saw her laughing, listening to music, and having fun with my little sister I wanted to join them. My sister and I were attempting to learn the choreo for a song the night before so I suggested that we do it with our mom too. My mom is always talking about how she loves to dance and wants to learn more. I thought she would like the idea. The room is small for 3 people to dance in but it was more for fun than anything serious. 

She rejected the idea immediately and as soon as my sister wandered off to do something else, my mom put her headphones in loud enough to block out any noise. Even though I was still sitting there trying to talk to her. I'm pretty used to this so I stopped trying to get her attention.

Everything was fine until she caught me crying. I understand she might not be in the mood for dancing or spending time with anyone. When she made it clear she wanted to be left alone, I respected that. However, given how distant we've been over the past few months.. I couldn't help but feel bummed out when she didn't seem to want to do anything with me. I was just excited to spend any time with my mom and I thought given her good mood that this would be the time. We didn't have to do my idea, it could have been anything.

She started screaming at me. "Seriously?! I'm leaving again. I'm not putting up with this shit!" She puts on her shoes and grabs her purse. Proceeds to get really close to my face.. "You're crying because I dont want to watch a video and dance with you?! I asked you to make me breakfast a hour ago and you couldnt even do that!!" I was busy and I honestly forgot she had asked me.. I would have done it. "I'm fucking starving! Oh well, doesnt matter anyways.. I'm going to kill myself! You guys don't need me anyways! This isnt about spending time with me, you just want me to do what you want to do. Like always, you're selfish." She left and slammed her door on the way out.

About 30 minutes later she came back and told me, "I AM going to kill myself. I want you to know that" put her headphones in again and went back to ignoring me.

She is usually like this, but I still dont know how to handle it after 20 years living with her. She vehemently refuses any sort of psychiatric help. She has never attempted suicide or physical self harm before but I know I shouldnt dismiss her saying she will. I don't take it lightly.

I've always tried my best to tiptoe around my mother. The slightest thing can set her off and I seem to be her favorite target of aggression. Or maybe I am too sensitive and just view it unfairly. She's told me before that I am wicked, twisted, would be set on fire if I stepped into a church, that I disgust her, that she would leave and take my sister away with her, etc. She has never once comforted me. When I'm having a severe panic attack, crying, and can barely breathe.. she has no reaction beyond yelling at me for it. My emotions are always a burden to her. When I try to talk to her about her behavior she starts saying stuff like, "You think I'm such a horrible mother. I should just drive off a bridge."

I feel so guilty towards her for even existing. Am I the problem? Am I so insufferable to be around? Every time I find a place away from her to stay at she follows me there. I dont have anyone to stay with that is outside of her circle. I'm 20 and I have no friends, not even any aquaintances. I have Avoidant Personality Disorder so I never speak to anyone. I don't make enough money for my own place and my avpd makes the thought of having a roommate I dont know well terrifies me. I feel like a burden to everyone..

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm exhausted. Am I overreacting? Should I just deal with it? I've never been scared of her hitting me or anything. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm just whining. Thank you for listening to me anyways.