So straight up, I fucked up. There's no excuse for what I did.

Over the four years I've been with my bf, sex definitely has dwindled down to only when he wants and that's usually mornings and like twice a month. I expressed to him early on and through out the relationship that sex is a big part in a relationship for me. And it seemed like it was for him too! But over the years... it became less and less times that we were intimate.

I had a build up of frustration-- sexual frustration. I didn't cheat- physically. I'm a bigger girl and before we got together we were just casually dating and he mentioned to me how he loved blonde girls with big butts and I'm the total opposite of that. So I became insecure of that. I tried to buy lingerie and sexy things to spice things up for more sex. And it was like talking to a wall or being punched in the gut. I'd try to be naughty with him like sext (like we used to) and he would read it and not reply. So I tried being sexy at home! Still nothing.

We had talks about if we still find each other attractive and we really do! I know his sex drive may have changed.

Anyway, so I wasn't getting the attention I wanted from him and my dumb ass went looking for it elsewhere... on tumblr. I see so many body positive posts in there it makes me feel a bit good about myself. So I posted pictures and then they started to become nudes and then it was like gifs of me doing things... it was disgusting.

He ended up finding my tumblr (god knows how but that's not the point) and he saw the posts. He called me saying we are done this and that. I came home to talk to him and he was packing his shit. I feel like a worthless piece of shit. I don't know what I was thinking I would gain out of doing something so stupid! 😢

Well, he's been saying he's going to leave me and I cried my eyes out I had a panic attack I couldn't breathe it was embarrassing.. but that's what I get.

So now it's night time and we're just awkwardly in the living room together.... he said he was going to relax today...

I understand that what I did was wrong and I should be left alone. It just makes me sad because I feel like he's torturing me by staying here, messing with my feelings. I stayed living in this state alone no family for him... so my only option if we really break up is to go back with my mom. He just can't make up his mind, he keeps telling me he's leaving and he's just sitting here watching tv... I made dinner and fed him. I don't think there's a way to get over this or move past it... it is what it is and I'm single now.

I just lost my whole world over being a selfish idiot. And I deserve it.