So very very long story short. I was raped last year and haven't had sex since, it was horrible and I got pregnant as a result. my son is now 8.5 months and a couple weeks ago I decided to say screw it and hook up with an ex from high school who was still hung up on me and I knew really well so figured he would be a good candidate for breaking the ice "down there" since I don't plan on dating anytime soon and didn't want to do it with a stranger. Well nothing went WRONG it just felt wrong. Like I kept having flashbacks, the sex was bad, and it just all around wasn't great. I ended up telling him to just do as he wished because I wanted it to be over.

Well NOW I feel like complete shit because I know that I can be better at sex and that it could have been better but I had just shut down. And it was awful sex lmao. I also feel like all my hesitations and fears are exacerbated now because I opened up to the wrong person. Now he wants to hook up again but is not very forward with setting it up, so it seems very mixed. Anyhoo, I feel like I dipped way too low. Like before the hookup I had ALL the power, a lot was left up to the imagination and now that's all just ruined. I've also always held myself to higher standards and i feel like that's fucked too. I feel like damaged goods and that because of that I subconsciously self destruct. I know I don't want to hook up with him again and I won't but how the hell do i shake all of these feelings? I am worth so much more than all of this. I've let myself down more than anything else.