Need some encouragement

So very very long story short. I was raped last year and haven't had sex since, it was horrible and I got pregnant as a result. my son is now 8.5 months and a couple weeks ago I decided to say screw it and hook up with an ex from high school who was still hung up on me and I knew really well so figured he would be a good candidate for breaking the ice "down there" since I don't plan on dating anytime soon and didn't want to do it with a stranger. Well nothing went WRONG it just felt wrong. Like I kept having flashbacks, the sex was bad, and it just all around wasn't great. I ended up telling him to just do as he wished because I wanted it to be over.

Well NOW I feel like complete shit because I know that I can be better at sex and that it could have been better but I had just shut down. And it was awful sex lmao. I also feel like all my hesitations and fears are exacerbated now because I opened up to the wrong person. Now he wants to hook up again but is not very forward with setting it up, so it seems very mixed. Anyhoo, I feel like I dipped way too low. Like before the hookup I had ALL the power, a lot was left up to the imagination and now that's all just ruined. I've also always held myself to higher standards and i feel like that's fucked too. I feel like damaged goods and that because of that I subconsciously self destruct. I know I don't want to hook up with him again and I won't but how the hell do i shake all of these feelings? I am worth so much more than all of this. I've let myself down more than anything else.

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Pray

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What you are going through is not easy at all. You are right that you are worth so much more. And just because you slipped up once it's not the end of the world because think about it you were trying to make yourself better in some way and you now know this wasn't the way to do it. Just because you slept with him doesn't mean that now you are tainted or damaged goods. Neither does the rape. You are so strong and you have come so far from that time. It sounds like you're just trying to rediscover yourself as a sexual human being after having that sort of stripped from you. Maybe the hook ups won't help and now you know that so now maybe just focus on you and let love find you. Love yourself because you are so worth it and let your self love heal you so that when you find someone (and trust me you will find someone) they can also help to heal you and show you that you are still an amazing person.