Why I left

Two days ago I ended my 6 1/2 year relationship with the man I thought I was going to spend my entire life with. We started dating at 17, and the first time he hit me we were 18. It was at his friends house, we had been drinking, he shoved me in front of everyone I fell and hit my head, his friends stepped in and put us in separate rooms. The next day he apologized and said he was drunk, I forgave him. The second time was in his friends house where we were renting a room, he shoved me on the bed, got on top of me and started choking me, his friend just watched it happen. One time after we had moved in together he shoved me so hard I flew into the wall and fell to the ground, he said "stay there bitch", I didn't, this time I fought back, I stood up behind him and slapped him as hard as I could on the side of his face, he left. He came back later and apologized, i forgave him. It happened countless times through the years, one of the most memorable was when he lifted me over his head and slammed me to the ground knocking the wind out of me, all because I slammed a door. I finally found the strength to leave, as I was leaving he ran after me outside and I told him "if you ever touch me again I will have you murdered" the next day he completely disabled my phone and tracked my location. I had to change all my passwords and my phone number, I've had to hide out at a hotel for two nights. He refuses to give me my rent money and deposit money back which came out to 1,163$. I'm afraid he will kill me. I'm getting a restraining order against him. I still can't help but feel like I deserved it, and I can't stop feeling guilty for having to end it like that.