Need Life Advice/venting
It just dawned on me how lame and sad my life is.
I'm a 17y/o who doesn't have any friends, I haven't had any in three/four years. It's been four years since I've hung out with anyone my age(or close to my age) like left the house and did stuff without parents around. I still haven't had my first kiss, I've never had a boyfriend, being intimate with a guy just intimidates me. It doesn't help that I'm doing online school.
This is my senior year and I have no idea what I want to do after high school. I don't have any interests and no skills that I know of. I feel like a failure. My family has high hopes of me going to college and getting a career. It feels like I'm letting them down by being clueless and not having a plan for my future.
My social skills are shit. I get really anxious in social situations, I can barely order my own food. Initiating conversations is not my forte. I have to mentally repeat what I'm about to say multiple times to make sure it sounds decent and understandable. I'm usually always wearing long sleeves(a security blanket for me) whenever I leave the house. In anxious situations I'm either tugging at my sleeves or turning on and off my phone.
I just moved to Texas a few months ago and i don't know anyone but my mom's roommates. I rarely ever leave the house and when I do it's usually with my mom to go to the store or gas station.
I don't have a job. I don't have a license because I'm too scared to drive. Seriously, for me, driving is a moving box of anxiety.
Emotions suck. My wall is built so high that I don't even let myself in. I, unintentionally, repress everything and bottle up my emotions. Seriously, I was being yelled at one time and just sat there emotionless and blankly stared ahead. If you were to ask me how I'm feeling or what I'm feeling I would just blankly stare at you and say "I'm fine" or "Just tired." I overthink everything. I have to mentally repeat everything multiple times before I actually say what I want to say. I never let myself talk consciously, even with family. I'm always listening to music. I feel that it helps me relax and keep my mind focused on the lyrics. I never let anyone in. I'm scared to tell anyone how I'm feeling because I think they're going to use it against me, make fun of me, or tell me that I'm wrong and try to tell me what they think I'm feeling.
I don't like going anywhere by myself. I like having at least one person that I know with me. This sucks because I have to fly to Arizona by myself in a couple of weeks. I have to do this 4 times this school year because of quarterly finals. This is essentially going to be endless panic/anxiety attacks. You have no idea how emotionally drained I'll be, between the stress and anxiety from both flying and finals. Plus all the studying I'll have to do.
Let's Glow!
Achieve your health goals from period to parenting.