I am really struggling atm. I haven't done pain pills in probably 5-6 months but I got a,large kidney stone&had; to have pain medicine for it&I; thought I could handle it but I can't. I've already started abusing them, lying to my husband, went behind his back and got alcohol. He put the pills up for me so I couldn't abuse them and he gives me one when I need them for actually pain¬ just to get high. But I manipulate&lie; to him to get them. I also suffer from bipolar&depression;&havent; been taking my meds. I am a new mother also&my; husband works 12 hr shifts at night so I take care of the baby basically 24/7 when he's working so I only get 2-3 hrs of sleep a day which isn't good for a bipolar person. I feel like such a horrible wife and mother. I want to hurt myself and keep taking the pills now to numb the guilt and shame. I can't go off to rehab bc there would be no one there to watch our son. I never get so high that I put him at risk or harm. I usually do the pills when he is at his grandparents, asleep, or my husband is home from work. There is a place here that has an outpatient type rehab but I am scared to call and insurance probably won't pay. idk what to do I just hate myself so much! I'll do good for awhile after I get clean then something like this comes up, before I was in hospital for pancreatitis then bile duct blockage, in December I'm having surgery. I always start the medicine taking it like I'm supposed to then I start abusing it again and the whole cycle starts over.