1st Pregnancy, 1st Miscarriage

My husband and I had been TTC since April of 2016. Last December we found out I wasn't ovulating and was sent to the city (we live in a small town) to get some fertility assistance. I've been on letrozole since March. 16 cycles and 3 IUIs later we had an appointment with a fertility clinic next month to see what the next steps were. After our 3rd IUI we went on a family vacation to Hawaii and I was certain I'd get my period.. but didn't. Day after day it didn't come. Finally last Saturday we decided to test.. WE WERE PREGNANT! The excitement was unreal, being that we were with my entire family we shared the news right away, and took pictures at the beach for when we announced in a few months.

I got my appointment for the ultrasound set as well as my first OB appointment but since I'm such a type A person even with 3 positive digital tests I had asked for my levels to be monitored. Tuesday at my first draw the numbers were low, only 31. I was told not to worry and that what mattered was that they were going up today when I went in. First thing this morning I took my first "bump" picture even though there was nothing to see, someday I wanted to show our baby how much we loved them from the very start.

When I went to the hospital to test I just felt like something was wrong, I texted my husband and asked him to say a prayer because I just felt weird. Within 5 minutes of the test I started bleeding. I called the doctor and they said not to panic but that this may not be a viable pregnancy. I was hysterical, I called my husband and told him to come home, I begged God to save our baby. The next 4 hours waiting for our results was torture, but deep down I knew we'd lost our little peanut.

The nurse called and confirmed our worst fears, my levels had plummeted to 2 and I was no longer pregnant and our baby was gone. As I sit here with my husband next to me I can't tell if I'm crying more for myself, for him or for the loss of someone we loved so much and never even got to meet.

For anyone going through this I am so sorry, I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. For anyone dealing with infertility, I'm sorry and have faith, lean on your spouse because whether they show it or not they are hurting as much as we are. Praying for peace and clarity for us as well as anyone else struggling. 💔