Heartbreak

So I recently (well couple of months ago) experienced a heartbreak. My boyfriend decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. We had been arguing a lot over the past few months & a few times it did get physical. he wanted out. We did say we were going to work on ourselves & take a break because we both had issues. I had anger issues stemmed from my past & he was neglectful at times & a lot of the times came off as if he didn't care much about me.

I started to feel unwanted & unloved. Of course woman's intuition started to kick in so I snooped through his social media & found out he had started a new "friendship" with someone the day we broke up. I asked & he said they were just friends. A month later he changed completely on me. He wanted out for good. I cried my little heart out. I was going through turmoil personally from something I was dealing with and I really just wanted him to be supportive and there for me physically. He pushed me away so much it drove me insane.

My associates started sending me screenshots of the girl talking about him. It was killing me inside. But I had no place to say anything although this was the man that I was so deeply in love with. Come to find out he was now in a relationship with this woman and they were making each other so happy. It was breaking me more and more. I fell into this depression of self loathing. I hated who I was becoming. I cried all the time. I was hurt beyond words. The man that I accepted back into my life after hurting me once before had broken my heart completely and we live in a society where we can not talk about heartache because the world would see that as weak. I suffered and still suffering in silence.

To make matters worse I reached out and got ignored. It was like I was worthless. I had to beg for support through something that was potentially life threatening. That made me feel sick with myself. How could I be this weak over a man that didn't give a damn if I lived. But even still I wanted this man to be happy because I felt he had suffered enough in his personal life(so did I aside from this relationship) but I'm the kind of person that doesn't want ppl to feel the nothingness that I feel. I still wrote words of encouragement to this man & got ignored every time. I watched this man who I loved for 3 years cater to another woman's every need and it killed me because he had never treated me that well.

I cried every night asking god to change me. Change whatever it is about me that makes me undeserving of love. Because I thought I was doing everything right. But yet again I was broken inside. I want to get over this heartbreak so I can be happy with myself again. I let that relationship be my world and when it was over it felt like my world was too. How can I move forward???? I'm having trouble loving myself again. My previous relationship before this one my ex would always tell me I was garbage & my body was ugly & nobody would love me. I was 19 at the time. It took me along time to see my worth & now it's all happening again.

I'm starting to believe that no one will love me because I'm damaged now.