Today..

Today I faced my abuser. I work in a small retail store and I have hardly worked the past week because of college, but the one singular day I do work, he comes in..TWICE. A lot of people probably think it's dumb that this gave me two bad anxiety attacks. We've been broken up for around 3 years now. Of course if this had been a "regular" break up, anxiety attacks over this would've been a bit much. However, the person that came in to the store today verbally abused me. He called me names such as "crazy bitch, fat ass, ugly," and so on. He physically abused me and sexually harassed me. I was 13-15 when we dated. He's a year older. He would touch me everywhere. At first, I said no and would try to push him off of me. However, he would grab my wrists tight enough to leave bruises. He would push me down hard on my back. He would yell at me if he didn't get his way. I know most people are kind of like, "you're stupid for not leaving", but i was young! This was my first ever relationship! They don't teach anything about abuse at the high school I went to. Parents don't talk to their kids about it because they assume it would never happen to their kids. I thought it was normal for things like this to happen. So I stayed. Almost two years. Abuse after abuse, him threatening to break up and telling me I'd never find love again because of [insert flaw here] and that he was my only choice. Come to find out, he didn't have the balls to break up with me. I screenshot red and texted his mom our convos of the abuse AND SHE SAID THAT SHE WAS THE ONE GIVING HIM THOSE IDEAS! She told me that she never wanted us together and that what he was doing was okay because he had permission! So today, he came in the store. He had moved states last year and I hadn't really seen him since our breakup since we never had classes. When he came in he asked me purposely for help when other workers were available. He tried putting his hands on my body and made sexual comments. He talked to me as if nothing had happened and we were just friends that lost touch. Today I had two anxiety attacks in the bathroom. And he left the second time for good (hopefully). His grandma had came in with him the second time and I told him to have a nice day (like I do with ALL customers) and I hear him say, "Yeah she's still in love with me." I cried. I was shaking. I felt weak. I was the smallest person in that store. I didn't stand up for myself when I was younger and I didn't stand up for myself now. I have never in all my life hated myself so much. I know now I should've broken up with him before it got that far, but back then I was too naïve. I hate myself so much for this. I feel dirty. Like I'll never get my skin clean. Today, I let my abuser sexually harass me in the store that I work at and instead of doing/saying something I broke down in the bathroom twice.