It's been years

It's been years since I was first raped. I haven't really talked about it to anyone and it hadn't been a huge problem until recently. I was 13 when it happened I was young and stupid he was my boyfriend and we had talked about having sex. We started having sex and then stopped and I got dressed but then he came over to me pulled my shorts down and bent me over I tried to push myself back up and he pushed me down again keeping his hand on my back to hold me down I told him to stop and I kept trying to get up but he would let me after awhile I just stayed still till he was done. It was my first time and I didn't understand what had just happened. We broke up and dated on and off for years I wasn't mad at him I'm still not, I blame myself for it all. But last year we Hung out and we had gotten to where we were just friends. But then it happened again. And I've heard other girls talk about how he raped them and I keep thinking back to when it all started that if I had said something to somebody then maybe other women he's dated wouldn't have been assaulted as well. But I've been having panic attacks about it where I zone out and I feel like I'm back there and I can still feel him touching me and me asking him to stop and trying to get up and I can't. I'm 19 why does this feel like it happened last night. I thought I could just forget about it all and move on with my life. He isn't apart of my life anymore why is this happening now. Why am I scared of him.