Done with it

It has taken me so much courage to come here and write about what's going on. What I have have been feeling this last month has been the worst thing I have ever felt. It's ripped me apart. Yes I do consider commiting suicide sometimes but I would never have the guts to do that. This is what happened.

I am one of the people who is SOO happy it can get really annoying but this last month, something has changed. About September 3rd, I started to feel overwhelmed (school was starting in 3 days). I was also feeling quite down, but I just ignored. It was September 5th (the day that school started) and things got worse. My REALLy good friends weren't in my class, my teacher just wasn't right, my crush (that I was really closed to and talked to EVERY DAY before that), wasn't in my class. I had lost everything. Also, I no longer had my sister there with me and she was off with her new boyfriend and her extra circulars and her friends. I barely had time to speak with my mom and dad when I got home from school (sorry this is what I experienced over the first week, not just the first day of school). Once it came to the second week of school, something changed. I would have happy moments, then sad ones.

Those changes brought so much sadness to me. I was crying about 3-4 times daily and it was about a 15 minute cry, I quit dance (which I loved so much), I didn't laugh, I didn't smile, I refused to go to school, all I wanted to do was stay home and cry and think about why I didn't belong in this world. It got the the point where I needed to call out for help. I told my parents. They were worried sick. They took me to see a social worker and she said that I had symptoms of depression and bipolar. I explained to her that I was feeling normal/ happy at some points and depressed at others. She told me to also go to see my doctor for blood work and a checkup.

I went last Thursday. I got a needle, I peed in a cup and of course a checkup. He told me that we first needed to rule out anything physical and once that's done he would make a referall to see a cycytrist.

I don't understand why life has to get this hard. Like I'm sick and tired of having to be happy and think NOTHINGS wrong with me and then next thing, be crying and wishing that the pain would go away. I'm sick of not knowing the purpose of life and just wishing that it was over. I'm sick of all the anxious moments.