Trigger warning; but I need to get everything out.

Trigger warning; sexual abuse, self-harm, gender identity.

I have had depression for many many years, every since I was very small. I finally got help after having my oldest daughter at the age of 15, I was sent to a mental health facility and by that time I had attempted suicide 3 times, twice before getting pregnant and once after I had my daughter.

After leaving the facility I felt great, I was okay, happy and I was getting my life together for my daughter. I got my GED and my cosmetology license. I was okay for 2 years, I had no relapses. Until I became pregnant with my youngest daughter, the pregnancy caused my PTSD to resurface because when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter I was raped. It brought back memories, I couldn't handle being around my fiancé or give him what he needed. He cheated on me for several months and I found out around a month before our daughter was born and two months before we were due to get married. I was devastated but, I blamed myself. I couldn't have sex, I couldn't talk openly, I was in a bad mental state.

After having my daughter everything was okay until my urges to self harm came back. I over worked myself in order to control the urges, I started college but everything just got worse. I would break down in class, I would run out, I wasn't able to be around men (not even family members) without feeling uncomfortable. I became very withdrawn and I hid my pain so I wouldn't burden others.

My suicidal thoughts came back and I began to self harm again, cutting deeper and more frequently. I hated myself and I still do, it hurts. My beautiful daughters are my reasons to live, my reasons to try. I've gotten a counselor since then (the beginning of this year.) but before starting the school year, I came out as trans* to my family. It wasn't a good idea, the constant hatred in my family towards the subject gets to me and I've began to cut more frequently again, my suicidal thoughts have progressed and my anxiety is bad again. I had to drop from my classes, after finding out I need surgery and there could possibly be something wrong with my heart.

That's all I can write about now...I just needed to get it out.