I want closure...

I was raped 5 years ago and I feel stupid saying that because I continued to have sex with him after the fact. The day he raped me I remember hanging on to my underwear and saying no over 10 times. He physically forced me. I think seeing him afterwards was me telling myself what happened was okay. I don't know why I continued to see him but I remember he was funny, kind to me and I enjoyed his company even after the assault. It feels wrong to say that but it's true.

I continued to see him maybe a month after it happened and our relationship ended abruptly after a sexual encounter where a wave of fear came over me. I remember being in his house tearfully backing away from him and leaving abruptly. I freaked out that day and I never saw him away.

I tried to block that experience from my memory but it haunts me. I think about it a lot and night and I cry myself to sleep. 5 years later I'm still affected, i never got the help I needed and it hurts so bad to know that he took advantage of me. He probably doesn't even consider what he did as rape since I had a relationship with him after it happened...but I was making a decision in hindsight. It hurts more knowing I can't even confront him because he won't consider what he did as rape.

Help