The Face of Infertility

I face it every day. I wake up wondering if I'll get my positive result that day or I wake up knowing I failed that month. The only thought that goes through my head is my dreams for my little one who isn't here. I dream of the nights they can't sleep that I just get to hold them as I fight off sleep. My friends complain about pregnancy, labor, and their newborns who just can't sleep... They don't understand why I always take their teething child who cries all night or the toddler who just wants what he can't have... I have taken both sometimes too... I love my middle of the night cuddles with her teething son as I get to sing him to sleep. I cherish those moments because I realize I may never get them for myself... Her toddler can throw 6 million tantrums in the store and I will pick him up each time and carry him to a quiet spot till he calms down... She calls me crazy because she sees the frustration I get but she never sees the tears that fall down my face after I give them each a kiss as they leave... They don't see my love for each of their kids as I wonder if I'll ever be able to adopt or if I will ever carry a child... I cry every day now... Today my period started but I stayed strong or I tried... My fiance had a bad day and he got an attitude... I broke... He didn't even know why I was yelling or why I threw myself into sweats and cried holding a pillow pet my dad bought me at 16... I cried and I cried... He finally got me to let him hold me but I did not stop crying... I needed to cry. I needed to be angry and sad... I needed to let it out. Yesterday's make up smeared down my face... Tears of a woman who wants so badly to be a momma who just can't right now... These tears don't stop... They happen often... With each congratualtions to a friend, each child I see, each time I hear someone say mom, with every movie involving loss of a child in anyway, and with every test I see... A tear always forms but no one sees... Infertility is hard, it can happen to anyone... I give up for the day... I think I need a break... I think today is the day I start preparing for adoption because I feel as if I have skipped something important that I have always felt a calling for...