The aftermath of sexual assault/ rape

Okay starting from the top: a few years ago I hung out with people who I thought were my friends but really weren’t and I ended up getting raped. More recently (before my current amazing boyfriend) I was in a very toxic abusive relationship which involved a lot of physical and emotional abuse, which involved doing things I never really said yes to.

So just a lot of shitty people and a lot of shitty situations and actions done to me by others.

And I take responsibility because I was I guess too naive to afraid to speak up for myself.

I recently read an article about hyper sexuality being a side effect/ coping mechanism for assault/ rape survivors, my amazing boy friend and father of my child have been together 9 months officially but almost knowing each other for a year, and within the time we’ve been together like it’s just been amazing. Our relationship is nothing like I’ve ever had and something I never want to lose, however I read that article and I asked him if to him we had an overly obsessive amount of sex when we first met started dating etc. he said “we literally used to fuck all day everyday”

Essentially what that told me was as well as the article, that having sex with someone I love and trust was/is a coping mechanism for me, the real intimacy I feel with him essentially shuts my anxiety off. I felt really awful because I felt like in a way I was using him, which I really can’t wrap my head around that idea right now, because I do love him, and no one has made me feel more safe nor loved than he has. And I am beyond myself knowing I my child gets HIM as a daddy. Like I’m so pumped for my baby! But I don’t know I guess I just I realized how fucked up I really am and I just feel shitty for allowing such awful behavior towards myself by others. I’m glad I’m out of those situations but the mind can be such a killer sometimes 😓 thank you for reading/replying/ caring xo