i just cried.

I just watched a video called lose some weight by bodly. let me tell you I am in tears. I may not be obese or huge but I feel like a whale. I can't look in the mirror without hating my body without wanting to vomit. Im lucky if i maybe 1200 calories a day. most days I have to force myself to eat which only makes it worse. this video...this hit me hard. I'm not longer crying as I'm typing this but I can feel it coming. I have struggled with body dismorphia my whole life. even as far as starving myself for days at a time. thankfully I no longer do it but I am by no means saying it is t hard. everyday I have to force myself and remind myself to be strong. I know I have a problem and I'm trying to make it better but sometimes it's hard. today was some of those things. I didn't eat till my fiance came home from work. and still when we were watching videos of the tough man fights which he wants to sign up for. I couldn't help but look at the sign girls and hate my body. I couldn't stop wanting to cry I couldn't stop wanting to go throw up even though I hadn't eaten (this was before dinner) and still I had to force myself to eat. this is by no means a cry for help. like I said I know what's wrong and I am trying. I have come a long way from where I used to be. and this video was what I needed to see today. I needed to remember that there is always a silver lining.