what is wrong with me?

I'm laying here in bed next to my husband who is asleep and all I can think about is my ex husband! 5 years ago my ex went to jail and I was literally just so afraid so I stopped talking to him. I never fell out of love with him and still know in my heart he's my soulmate. anyways he reached out to me a month ago and ever since then I can't get him off my mind. every day since I left I regretted it and I know I fucked up. thing is, I fucked him up. bad. he's got mental issues he has to work through now but I live in another state and can't help him. I wanna go back but have no support and have nowhere to go plus I'm disabled and not on disability so I don't have money to support myself. I'll be in a homeless shelter. my husband says he'll help with whatever he can and is supportive even tho he knows how I feel. he knows my ex and believes we (me and my ex) are meant to be together and everyone else says so too. right now my ex and I are just best friends and he says that's all it will ever be cuz I hurt him so bad but I can't help how I feel! I recently wrote him a poem about how I truly feel after he wrote me one (it's kinda our thing) and he lost his way to contact me so idk what he thinks... he messaged me the other night after a bad episode telling me he loves and misses me but that was about it. he hasn't been on since. my husband even wants to help buy him a phone so we can talk. I'm supposed to go there for Xmas if I can but I'm terrified. I haven't seen him in person in 5 years. why can't I get over him? we haven't talked in 3 days and it was a week before that but I can't stop checking to see if he's messaged or stop looking at his picture. It literally physically hurts how much I love and miss him. I'm losing sleep cuz I stay up hoping he will message. I feel like a high school girl with a stupid crush but I know it's more than that. make the pain stop.