Dear stranger that I married
It’s not that I want to hurt you or that I want you to feel the pain that I endured.
Honestly, I haven’t even mourned the loss of our relationship. That’s how tired I am of this marriage. When I found out what you did in Vegas, I was mortified and in shambles. I honestly was expecting to either miscarry or have early labor because of the depression I was in. I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong that you would want to hurt me so badly. At that point, I had no clue that you had already cheated on me before. I had a feeling that you did, but I was never able to prove it. I moved up here to start a family with you and to love you and start an adventure. I never knew you’d be capable of doing so much harm, and to hurt me as much as you did. I tried so hard to get you to love me the way I loved you. I wanted you to open your eyes and see what a beautiful thing we could have if you’d just be there. You always showed me that we were never enough, and it wore me down year after year. Finding out about all the other times you cheated on me honestly didn’t surprise me. I expected it. I expected you to cheat on me every time you left me for a work trip. What kind of relationship is that? One where I’d settle to enjoy a marriage that was “okay” when you were home, but heart breaking and nerve wrecking when you were away? That’s no life. That’s no marriage.
After finding out what you did in LA, I was just done. I don’t think I have ever been so fed up and ready to move on in my entire life. I gave you my entire youth, and you wasted the best years of my life making me miserable and sad. I’m moving on because I love the feeling of not having to worry about you or think of our past. In the last 4 months, I haven’t thought about what you’ve done for more than a minute at a time and weeks, if not months, in between each one of those minutes. I’m leaving you for me, not for anyone else. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to sleep at night knowing that I have nothing to worry about. I deserve to be able to be at peace. And without you in my life, I am able to do that. Occasionally I miss our memories, and occasionally I’d get angry at what an idiot you were for throwing away something so beautiful (like the joy in our children’s eyes randomly throughout the day), but then I tell myself that the one missing out is you. You chose to walk away from us, and I shut the door and locked it. With that said, I don’t want to give us another chance. I have repeatedly said this, and you just don’t hear me. I don’t think it’ll be real for you until you’re back and we go through the motions for a divorce. I want the best for you, and I tried to be caring and kind through all that you’ve put me through. To say that you’ve changed me is an understatement. I could never be the person I used to be because you scarred that image with anguish. You say you finally know what I felt, but you’ll never truly know. You’ll never know because you’ll never have to look our daughter in the eyes and lie to her to excuse you from answering her phone calls, or when her day was ending how badly she wanted to tell you the details, or the times she was scared and needed you to tell her everything would be fine. You’ll never have to lay with her and cry your heart out silently wishing that she would never have to feel this pain when she was married. You’d never experience having to explain to her why her parents will no longer be raising her under the same roof. You’ll never have to lie to her to explain the reason why your eyes are red from hours of silently crying alone on the bathroom floor.
And as far as our son? You’ll never know the feeling of praying to god that he doesn’t hurt his wife the way you have hurt me. You’ll never know the feeling of holding him so close because if you let go, you’d break down. You’ll never know the feeling of my pain or what measures I’ve gone through trying to keep our kids whole and happy. And for our daughter to tell me that she’s used to you not being a father to her, that will never leave my mind or my heart. Writing this, all I can think of is the moments I’d beg you to get off the couch and play with us. The moments I would ask you to stop drinking and go to the beach. Or the park. Or a movie. I can’t stop thinking of all the extra things I’d do for you to just lay in bed with me and see me. Just me. You’ll never know the pain of making a romantic dinner, and getting all dressed up in new lingerie that I took hours picking, and ready for a night just for us... just to find you looking at porn in the bathroom and then passing out on me after having sex with me for a few min. I felt invisible with you. I felt used. I disappeared into a size 2 just for you. I changed my hair and my clothes. I became someone else. And the nights I didn’t want to have sex with you? Yeah, that didn’t matter if you wanted it. Because you got it. And the night I came home from finding out about E**** and I literally cried and froze as you proceeded to have sex with me just moments after telling you I found out. Do you not see what you did to me? You never cared about me...and if you ever did, it was briefly. I don’t ever remember feeling safe in your arms, or loved. Don’t get me wrong, I loved you.. and I tried really hard to keep falling in love with you after every time you cheated, but sometimes a person just gets tired of trying.I hope you can just understand that I don’t love you the way you love me and I don’t see myself with you. I don’t respond because I’m so happy and enjoying life, and seeing your messages honestly just irritate me because I’m so tired of you saying you love me. Someone who loves someone doesn’t hit them, rape them, or cheat on them and tell them its love. It’s always the same with you. I’m done, and I know you know it.