I love my baby. She’s 7 weeks olds now and she’s been amazing since birth. In the past three days my husband has been working overnight. He and I have a system; I take the baby at 8AM - 6PM till he comes home. I sleep 6PM - 12AM, he takes care of the baby then and at 5AM - 8AM.

Since he’s been working overnight, I haven’t been sleeping. There’s a lot to do and my baby is exclusively breastfeeding. Plus I have to pump every three hour or else I hurt. I can’t even sleep five hours without my breasts hurting.

Yesterday we had lots of stuff to do. My husband came home at 4AM and was up by 10AM. I woke up at 5AM to pump and do everything else, plus I feed my baby twice during this time. Our day was filled with appointments. When we got home, my husband had to go to work at 6PM.

I haven’t slept, for three days I’ve probably slept 4hours. My baby doesn’t like to sleep from 5PM - 11PM. I’ve been up the whole day. I was doing everything I could to get her to sleep and it was working, but my husband kept calling. I was so close to sleeping so close to have her asleep. My baby doesn’t get enough sleep, not even close to 10 hours.

So I was losing it last night. I had to put my baby away. I put her in her bunting bag and then her crib. She cried for fifteen minutes straight from the top her lungs. While I called my husband and lost it on him. I told him that I was exhausted. I needed him to stop calling me ‘cause it wasn’t helping my situation. I told him that I put the baby in her crib because I had horrible thoughts in my head...

I wanted silence. I wanted a piece of time where I can think and compose myself. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to stop everything. So I thought about shaking my baby till she can’t make any noise. I was so frustrated at my husband and my baby.

So I put my baby away. I put her in her bunting bag and her crib.

I didn’t want to harm my baby. I did the right thing, but I feel horrible for having these thoughts. I love my baby and I don’t want to hurt her. I’m scared. I love her so much. Please tell me that I’m not the only one who have these thoughts. Please...

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Thank you for all your stories and support.

My husband did come home an hour after the incident. He let me cry and vent on him. We talked about all the stress that we are going through. Yes, he may not have ppd, but he does have to adjust plus work has been crazy for him. He said I can always call him back from work if things are getting too much.

I did spoke to my doctor about it as well. She gave me information on groups that are also going through ppd. She doesn’t want me on pills yet. My home nurse care was notified to focus more on ppd and the stress, along with childcare. My public nurse is also going to focus and adjustment to help cope.

I also let my mom and my grandma know to come over more to help out. My grandma is retired and she has my cousin along with her to help her around. So I get her and my cousin. My cousin is a nurse and loves to play with my baby. My grandma raised seven of her own.

Thank you again for all your support and stories. I’m glad I put this post up. It really helped me to just ask. Thank you