A joke...right?!? And I'm not supposed to be hurt 😡.

I have not told any of my friends or family about what I experienced a few months ago in my relationship...except his mom...and the ONLY reason she knows is because he was trying to kill himself if I left. I found he was talking to a girl (22 y/o who has a 3 and 6 yr olds) at work. He is 43! SUPPOSEDLY - NOTHING HAPPENED, as she was fucking two other guys at their work. Although she did ask him to come over and "cuddle", like I'm not wise enough to know about backing my ass up into a man's dick to make him hard and get fucked. He said she got his number off the work schedule and started drunk dialing him like he was Ryan (one of the guys she's fucking). He says he repeatedly told her to leave him alone and that I (as in actually him referring to me) would gut her like a fish. She told me she didn't get the fish reference...yes, I put the fear of me right up in that little skank whore who can't keep her legs closed. Scared the shit out of her...so she won't even look at him. At the same time I found this email...(And I know some of you will judge because of privacy...but I pay for our new phones and I pay our phone bills)...and had I not found out about Anna I would not have gotten in his email. But I did. And I found an email to his favorite porn star...that he says was a joke. Am I not supposed to feel disrespected and hurt over this? What's funny about this? Maybe I'm stupid for not leaving...but I have loved him like no other, I have saved his life on multiple occasions, and I have taken all the SHIT I CAN TAKE! I have stayed time and time again. Here's that fucking email.

Here's the shit I've stood by and taken. Apparently his mother thinks I have trust issues because of what my ex-husband did. No, sorry, my trust issues with him, are because of him. Leaving is easier said than done, especially when you've never loved anyone else like this before. Call me stupid, but I still can't tell my friends or family who couldn't even tell how crushed and distant I was at the time...so here I am. Throwing myself into this community for support, not judgment.