Ever since I was younger my mom would always put herself down and talk about how "fat and ugly" she was and how she needed to lose weight or get her eyebrows done bec she thinks her co-workers are staring at the "redness and flakes" (she's a nurse so I always found it hard to believe that others would waste time thinking about stupid shit like that while in a fast pace environment). She had me at 18 (I'm an only child if that counts) so sometimes I think she didn't have enough time to properly fall in love with herself and build a stable sense of self esteem, our family is small and definitely not the best, I was raised around people who joke about themselves/ their insecurities so that no one else can beat them to it, so I've also picked that up, and joke about how I look (for example I said that the road of an express way looks like my acne scars...) even though I joke about that to that extent, I love myself/ I don't let myself believe that I'm ugly or worthless, I just use the jokes to break the ice or lighten the mood when someone needs it, while on the other hand my mom jokes about herself in all seriousness and goes into rants about how she needs to do this to be beautiful and accepted by others and when she mentions the gym she includes me into the conversation like "we need to go to the gym, we need to lose weight and eat this etc"...which is bullshit, I don't mind the gym but the nerve of her to bring me into her repetitive self shaming rant is ridiculous. Anyways she's always had this attitude, when I was younger she made comments that really fucked me up. When I would look at myself in the mirror or window reflections while walking on the side walk (I was like 10 at the time I remember it first happening) she'd shame me for it and say "stop checking your self out" and it wasnt even in a joking manner, her face and tone always made me feel like she was pissed at me or disgusted. I used to always take pictures of myself when I was around 11-13 (just my face, not even my body really) at that time the trend of calling photos "selfies" was popular/ new (I absolutely hate that word idky 😂 and she knew it which is exactly why she'd word things that way/ her tone was set to mock me) anyways she'd randomly bring it up- even in front of others and she'd be like "you're conceited, u always take selfies etc why are u taking pictures of yourself, u love no one more than u huh?" (plus she hates taking photos of herself she never has willingly even when she was younger) I always shrugged it off, but I was embarrassed, she makes the concept of loving my body and self fully seem like it's wrong, no matter if I was skinny or chubby, she'd always shame me for it. One day we were getting ready to go out somewhere and I was trying to roll up my pant leg bec it was baggy on me/ felt awkward so I was trying to roll them up nicely and failed, so I resorted to asking my mom for help and I don't know what she said exactly but she must be been pissed at something bec she made a comment regarding cankles and how what I was doing was dumb... 😂 it sounds funny and ridiculous, but I felt stupid and grossed out with myself for a bit before realising she's in the wrong not me. I rarely go out/ I recently got in online high school and I always liked dressing up, so now even if we're just going to Wal-Mart or out to eat I dress up a bit, for example light washed skinny jeans, a gray sweater shirt thingy and lowcut gray boots (not a thigh high boot with a 6 inch heel, just a boot with cute buckles on the side and it makes me like 2 inches taller maybe, it's a shoe appropriate for a 10 year old 💀) when I walk out from the closet I instantly get anxiety bec I feel like she's going to say I look fat or revealing or how I am weird for dressing up for walmart or this place. I don't get why it's so wrong to wear nice clothes to a store, it makes me feel confident and happy with myself, I don't want to wear baggy gym pants and a loose t-shirt like she does all the time , she believes that she doesn't deserve nice fancy dress clothes bec of her weight, it's dumb like wear what makes u happy, and don't punish yourself and put others down for having more courage to wear what they're wearing. she constantly makes fun of strangers about their appearance and clothing choice (not to their face or anything) I'm 15 almost 16/ I don't even wear makeup, I used to do lipstick and mascara when I was 13 or 14 and tried covering up pimples but now it's like who cares / I don't need it, but of course she found ways to make me insecure, I mean now I don't let it affect me but then I was a mess, she'd mention how it looks like I don't have eyelashes bec they're short, and how my eyebrows are a light brown and that she doesn't even know why I get them done and how when I'm older I'll want to draw them in darker (keep in mind when I was 12-14 and not out of middle school yet she'd shame me for the lipstick and mascara, I never did heavy looks, YET now that I'm 15 she goes into how she wishes she could do makeup and how I should use this mascara she bought and that blush on my cheeks would look nice etc....but at the same time when I'm bored inside the car waiting for her and play around with the mascara in the pull down mirror, she comes back irritated bec I took her bills out to "check myself out" or something and doesn't let it go, if she's missing a paper she resorts to the day I was using mascara and blames me. she also always tries popping my blackheads and pimples out in public (mainly a parking lot) calling me a poor thing, when really I don't want to irritate them and make red spots on my face before going out, like why not do this shit at home. even at home when I'm not in the mood she whines about how my blemishes are bothering her and how she wants to pop them -.- she whines like a damn baby, like why fucking look at me then damn. sometimes I can't even be in the same room as her I get angry for no reason sometimes just thinking back. She also started bashing my intelligence and compares me to her and how I should be a nurse since I could do community college and how it'll be an easy route since at the moment I'm not doing too well. And how she graduated at 17 and I should be able to do the same (she was fucking born in August, I was born in February so ofc she was 17 still -.- I remotely can't beat that ) just overall she nit picks everything and assumes I don't have body image issues bec of the skin hugging clothes I wear sometimes.... I don't think that I'm vain, I don't think I'm better or prettier than anyone else, I wear tighter yet stretchy clothing bec it makes me feel confident and together with myself image wise, I have my days where I'm very insecure and pity myself but I also have days where I think I look really nice and embrace my curves and deserve to dress up and go out to dollar tree or target 😂😂 I feel like everything I said contradicts what I just said about not being vain but Idk anymore, is it bad to check my self out and feel pretty/ confident? It's not like I'm having everyone bow down, I think I'm a humble person, it's like a barrier to me within myself there's a side where I know I'm pretty and everything but another side overpowering those thoughts and keeping them tame to where it doesn't affect how I act and treat others if that makes sense. And back to my original point I just don't understand why my mom tries putting me down, I never insult her body and choice of outfits, even if I did it's probably by accident while I'm trying to joke around and I'll instantly feel bad and put my foot in my mouth , I never purposely say things to put her down, I couldn't bring myself to even if she was going off on me that way, it's just not right. (she's not a bad mom or anything, she doesn't call me ugly, she's a good person overall but sometimes she just goes overboard with appearance comments probably thinking she's helping and it's getting really annoying, I used to try and stop her from shaming herself about her weight and how she looks but I'm so tired of trying to make her feel confident, it's like talking to a brick wall. Each day she lectures herself -.- she's irresponsible as well, I feel like I'm her mother sometimes, just yesterday she locked us out of the house by leaving her keys in ,when just minutes ago I asked her "DO U HAVE YOUR CELL PHONE, CREDIT CARD, ID, AND KEYS?" shes fairly forgetful and loses things a lot but anyways she said yes, we get out and suddenly she realised and freaks out. we ended up having to pay the landlord $60 to come over to unlock the door. (personally she deserved it like u could've easily prevented it, I asked u and u said u had them so...) I'm going to end it here bec it can go on forever