POSTNATAL DEPRESSION. 😭

POSTNATAL DEPRESSION...

It's not talked about nowhere near enough. So I'm going to share with you my story but a little more light hearted.

I gave birth 6 years ago.. or should I say I floated about that birthing pool like the Loch Ness monster, scowling at everyone who even dared speak, I tried to drown myself more than once.. I raged at the gas and air tube because it kept making stupid noises like a balloon being released after being blown up. “Pfffffttttttt......" (sound effects.)

I threw a wet flannel at my at the time 15 year old sisters face (kissing me in the photo.) And I cried like a baby, begging for an epidural. The absolute buttholes wouldn't give me one... but then again 8 minutes later I did push out my slimy child.

People say you feel this instant rush of love for your child... Do you? I mean... Come on... I'd only just met her, she was covered in wax or whatever that disgusting white crap is and she was purple and screaming.. I told her I loved her but I think I loved her because she was finally out. 😂

Anyways my body is seemingly an asshole because my placenta wouldn't come out and I was rushed to another hospital where they stabbed me in my spine to paralyse me from the waist down, then some big beast of a man tried to drag the placenta out and I screamed that he was breaking my ribs. Then some handsome doctor who I may or may not have hallucinated, shushed me and knocked me the hell out.. by this point I had not seen my little, purple, ball of slime in about six hours (I think.)

When I saw her she was still purple but not waxy white anymore. She was cute, like a little alien kinda cute.. 👽 She was still crying but that's because she was starving god love her soul.. I tried to breast feed her but it seemed my little human was stubborn from the start because she didn't want to latch. I felt terrible, my boobs hurt, my body ached, like hell and Baby just cried.. I cried too.

That first night was horrific, I was still half paralysed from the waist down, I couldn't reach that nurse buzzer and the little crying cute thing was choking in her cot.. I almost had a full on heart attack.. Imagine that.. Headline in paper "Mother let's baby choke to death the day she's born." Oh don't ask me how, but I managed to grab a hold of her by the baby grow and get her onto my chest. Patting her back super gently, she was so frail and tiny. I left her there for the rest of the night and then got told off in the morning for doing that by the midwife. Failing at motherhood already. Ffs.

When I went home, India cried a lot, I cried even more. I lost so much weight and I lost my mind. Thank god for my mum and dad.. I thought I was a terrible mother. I was absolutely clinically insane. It was awful. I even asked my mum and dad to take her and bring her up. They told me no, that this would soon pass.. This went on for about 8 months, until one day she got terribly ill and I thought I was going to lose her.

That's when I felt it. That rush of love for my child. And everyday it grew stronger, more intense and now I'd lay down my life for her, I'd give her my last breath, I'd do anything for her.

I’ve also just had another baby 10 weeks ago and I never got postnatal depression this time around.

So please, if you're out there suffering, you are not alone. I promise you. There is help and there is me, who will drag you through it like I did for myself. So hold on in there Queens. 👸🏼 It will pass.

Please share this post for you never know who might just need to read this today. <3