This is my third unplanned pregnancy. My first two, though unplanned were very much wanted. I was ecstatic to find out.

But it’s so different this time. My son is 4 years old and my daughter just turned 10 months old. She’s not even a year yet and I’ve managed to get myself knocked up. At first I thought I could handle it. I figured as long as my partner and I had our jobs and our apartment, we would be fine. Then I lost my job and my partner’s hours got cut. I started thinking about how we can’t fit three car seats in our tiny sedan. We need a bigger car. And how is a family of 5 going to live in a two bedroom apartment?

I started thinking about my daughter, not even being a year old. Her and this baby would be 18 months apart. I thought about all the sleepless nights x2. (She is a terrible sleeper and I don’t think it’ll resolve by the time this baby is born.)

My partner and I have a lot of issues in our relationship. I don’t think we’re going to last, even until though we’ve been together for 4 years. We fight all the time. He’s so fucking mean and disrespectful. And lazy as shit!

He’s excited about this baby. But I’m not. I feel resentful and hateful. And scared shitless. I’m not excited.

I scheduled an abortion last month but I talked to my mom about it because she had an abortion once and she managed to talk me out of it. I cancelled it and the clinic told me it would’ve costed $650 anyway because my insurance won’t cover it.

I’m not sure what to do. I feel ashamed when I think about how close in age my babies would be. I feel disgusted with myself for not stopping my partner from refusing to use a condom. I feel angry that I let this happen.

I’ve had an ultrasound at 8 weeks and I thought it would help me connect to the baby but I still didn’t. I’m upset that I don’t feel any love for this baby when I loved my other two children the moment the pregnancy test was positive.

I’ve been trying for the past month to feel happy about this baby, but instead I’m in such a deep depression that I haven’t even taken care of myself. I keep thinking that this is not the right choice to have the baby. I’m only 22. I don’t want to be 22 with 3 kids! Especially if I end up being a single mother. Which seems like it’s going to happen soon...

I’ve been reading about abortion for weeks and researching.

I’m also really afraid of the procedure. I know it sounds ridiculous. I’ve had two unmedicated natural births and abortion scares me more. I want to do the pill abortion because it seems more natural but I’ve read it’s excruciating, kind of looks like labor pain. But I’m extremely afraid of the surgical abortion. It sounds too invasive and the idea of it makes me shake.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Especially if you already have children. Please. I’m so desperate for some advice and experiences. 😢