Nothing in this world cuts deeper than a miscarriage when you struggle with cognitive distortions. I struggle with an all or nothing mindset. I didn't realize this until I was married and would try a new recipe for my husband and he responded ohh it's so good!! BUT... I would try it without the green pepper next time. my smile would immediately fall. But I thought he mentioned liking green peppers.... Ughhhh I'm never making this again. I might as well throw everything in to the trash and cry all night. In my mind he hated it and was forcing himself to eat it while chocking back vomit.

So a miscarriage for me was devasting. GOD made me a woman, he made me to produce babies. I have "birthing hips" my mother always lovingly teased me about. I was born for this! But no. I wasn't. I can't do anything right. Literally.

Each time I went to the bathroom I was reminded of my failure. Every swipe was full of the bright red proof that I was a failure. Every trip beat me down further and further.

This failure took place over a holiday. One of the few times I am surrounded by family. Including a mother who wants another grandbaby very soon. Who asks every other woman in the family how long they were married before children. All the while I am slowing losing my child with each bathroom trip.

The worse pain started on our 6 hour drive back home as we tried to find a rest stop with a bathroom my husband could help me walk to because I could not walk alone. I had to pick the bathroom I would miscarry in... I cried on the toliet of a gas station as a mother with a toddler who needed to potty knocked on the door to hurry me out as if I couldn't hear them through the paper thin door...