Once a cheater always a cheater right?

Question

My husband cheated and I just found out. It happened in Feb of 2016. I found the 2nd phone he bought to stay in contact with her. He claims he was on a bender and I was just oblivious to it. He says he can't remember buying the phone or sleeping with her. Not only did he sleep with her but before her he kissed her friend. All in the messages. Like who the hell believes that BS? I am a HOT MESS right now. We have a 4 year old and have been together for 7 years. He is going to go get help with his drinking and says he loves me and it will never happen again. He did only have the fling for a week but still. I just don't know what I am going to do. I love him he is the father of my child but I deserve a hell of a lot better than that. I work my ass off at work and then have to come home and cook and clean. He wants to also go to couples counseling. Has anyone been I. This situation? Did counseling help?

Accepted Answer

Yeah he can’t blame being an alcoholic on this one.
My husband is an alcoholic.  WAs sober 14 years and then relapsed lAst year.
He never cheated.  And he was a mess.  Alcohol is terrible for some people but if people cheat when drinking they cheat when sober as well.
I personally believe that once a cheater always a cheater.  But that’s not for me to decide

Answer

I disagree. Some cheaters have changed while others remain the same.

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your not always a cheater after cheating once

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Go to counseling.  Especially since he is suggesting it.  Then decide what you wanna do.  It is possible to survive this.

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Since you guys are married with kids, I would suggest counseling first. But I wouldn't blame you if you straight up wanted a divorce. 
Also, he "doesn't remember" is the biggest load of 💩 I've ever heard.

Answer

There is no formula for human behavior. My ex cheated by making out with a girl two months in, I️ forgave him, two years in I️ find out he’s sleeping with someone behind my back and he and I️ weren’t even having sex with each other. On the other hand, my dad had an affair with a family friend that they kept secret for 3 years because she was manipulative and he was weak. My parents had been married 30+ years and my mom wasn’t willing to give up so easy, like your husband, my dad was willing to go to counseling (which is a great sign by the way!) and they are still together, though still working on healing. 
You can’t say that when someone cheats they’re guaranteed to do it again but you have reason to be wary. It’s up to you if you feel he is genuinely willing to work on your relationship and it was a one time thing.

Answer

I’m sorry this happened to you.  While most of the time it’s true a dog will return to his own vomit, in certain cases change is very possible.  Such is the case in addiction where a mind altering substance may be and influence. This doesn’t take away from his responsibility at all.  However, if he’s saying what you say, and he sticks to it, maybe it was a wake up call for his habits.  
Though there is this one thing: people do not become different people on alcohol.  They simply feel fewer inhibitions to be themselves.  So there is a chance that this is in him even without alcohol.

Answer

I think getting professional help is a great idea and if drinking is a problem he needs to quit. Here’s the thing, even if you were to right now leave, and be all set up on your own, your “ family” is still in shambles. It will still be hell because you have to co-parent and splitting up is never easy , it is very hard on all parties and can be destructive if already there are big issues. You will always be a “family”, no matter what. I would first try to make it work and do whatever I needed to help him get his shit  together , so that if it doesn’t work out down the road, 1 you tried, 2. You can separate amicably 3. You both are not angry and resentful and will be better able to co-parent. You can come back from this, life is tough, relationships are tough, but if you both love each other and are willing to put the work in, it can be better then before and if not,  it sets you up for a much easier split in the future.

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It may or may be not true, but I wouldn't be around to find out.

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Like you said...once a cheater, always a cheater.

Once a cheater always a cheater right?

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