I’m 19 weeks pregnant with our first child, a baby boy. We went through fertility treatments to get him and after a year of needles, medications, and procedures, he is our dream come true.

A little background on me: I was a dancer growing up and was on a rigorous training schedule and always in front of a mirror. It was a big reason I became anorexic between ages 8-16. If I ate at all, it would be very little and I’d be so upset with myself. I had a wonderful support system and my mother was a physician so she got me the help I needed. I still struggled off and on throughout my life (and still do), but it has become much more manageable for me personally.

I started pregnancy about 10 lbs heavier than I would have liked due to fertility treatments at 148 lbs. I’m now 19 weeks pregnant and weigh 155, or up 7 pounds. I obviously knew weight gain was part of the territory of being pregnant, but I find myself hyperventilating thinking the number is only going to grow. My husband is SO supportive and constantly tells me, “You’re not getting FAT or CHUBBY, you’re getting PREGNANT.” I repeat those words to myself daily multiple times a day. Still, I find myself obsessing over the weight gain and it’s driving me to the point where I’m not sleeping well at night and I’m asking myself if I was truly ready to be pregnant. I feel disgusted with myself that it means so much to me, but it’s like I can’t make those thoughts go away. I feel like a failure as a mother already that I’m putting myself and my thoughts before my sweet baby.

-the ever recovering pregnant anorexic